Today, I went for an outing with my mother after she came and visited me at my apartment as a surprise. I wasn’t expecting her and wasn’t expecting eating either, as she proposed that we could go out and eat a hot dog and fries at a local restaurant in a city which is about 10 kilometers away from where I live. At first sight, I felt that there was something sad about my mother in her eyes, as if she was saddened by something. Without thinking about it much though, we went for a drive towards the restaurant and had a chat as we were going there.
Once arrived at location, she decided that we could go eat next to the river that ran next to the restaurant. I told my mother that I didn’t want to eat, as it was the day where I have scheduled myself not to eat – as I normally eat only once per 2 days, as it maintains my weight at just the right level as much as it helps me keep up with my finances considering that I am currently out of work. Thus, today being the day where I would normally have skipped eating – we as humans eat far too much for our own maintenance, I believe that we could be in great shape if we would eat less per day as it seems unnecessary to eat as much as we do – but since I was with my mother, I decided to join her and have a part of the meal that she bought at the restaurant.
We thus went to sit at a table near the river that ran next to the restaurant. There, we ate and had a chat about what was busy happening in our lives at the moment. It was within these next moments that I understood the sadness that I saw in my mother’s eyes as I first seen her face after she came at my apartment as a surprise. She told me that ever since she stopped working – she is currently 64 years old – that she felt bored because of lacking in things to do and having too much free time on her hands. As soon as she said that she was bored, I began to feel bored myself because the point of boredom which was latent within myself prior to the moment where my mother told me she was bored, resurfaced as she made the statement. I thus started feeling empty inside myself, because I knew that I too am generally bored nowadays – having actually no work and a lot of free time on my hands.
Once my mother started talking about her boredom, I saw an opening in her eyes and her face began to slightly change so that I could see her sadness in her eyes and skin. That’s when I began to feel sad also, for I am still emotionally attached to my mother and whatever she makes known of her feelings, I usually end up feeling close or equal to. There was this point that wanted to emerge as a movement that pushed me to cry with my mother’s presence, but I bottled it up inside me. This made me feel more and more sad about my current situation in my life, as the fact of not working and not having any girlfriend or that many friends to pass time with, pushed me to see my life as being a failure, although only within the limited scope of my current situation in life.
I wanted to help my mother feel better about herself because that would make me feel better about myself – not realising that I was within this moment, a slave to the mind as the emotions started to have the best of me. I started talking to my mother about the desteni group as a group which supports me in getting myself rid of what keeps me locked and enslaved within and as the mind through writing myself to freedom in a blog that I informed her of having. Although I felt a bit insecure about telling her that I was still with the desteni group – as she is aware that I have experienced many ups and downs ever since I joined the group back in 2008, to which she believes the group to be a determining factor in my 4 hospitalisations for a diagnosed mental illness of being bipolar.
I told my mother that the group supported me more than what she could perceive and that it would be beneficial for her to join us so that she too could work on herself throughout the process of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty. However, to my sadness, she told me that she didn’t want to do what we did – which was simply to write herself to freedom – , even if I told her that it could occupy her free time as a beneficial practice for her to follow. She lacks the knowledge that I gained from watching all of the relatively important videos and documents made by Desteni regarding who we are really as the evil in this world as our minds from within which we separate ourselves from and as life. Although knowledge and information without practical application serves no one in this world, the information that I gained from watching the Desteni videos and documents gives me perspective that reinforces the intuition that we all have of the world as being hell because of the mind. This perspective that the knowledge and information shared through the desteni material gives me the incentive to participate within the proposed desteni process, as I now see that it is the only real application that can make me change for the better of all life in this planet. It is thus this perspective that I wished to share with my mother, so that she would decide to participate, just as I am, within the process of self-forgiveness, self-writing, self-corrective application and self-honesty. I wasn’t able to convince her of the benefits of the process at that current time, for I was still under the influence of the sadness that she made me feel after she told me that she was bored nowadays. But I will eventually give her the address of my blog, so that she can see the process in action throughout my writings.
This is not the time for that however, as I now need to self-forgive myself for the points of boredom that has emerged throughout my participation with my mother today.
Self-forgiveness on boredom:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bored and to express that boredom through me “shutting down” within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored because of not having any girlfriend or that many friends to share my time with in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel saddened when my mother told me that she was bored, because of me being still attached emotionally to the feelings of my mother and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by the feelings of my mother as the reactions to the virtual presence of my mother within my mind.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feeling of boredom is not who I am, but is only an energetically generated reaction towards an event of significance in my life, such as my reactions towards the word “bored” as expressed by my mother, which manipulates my actions to mimic those that are usually expressed within those feelings, which is not what is best for all but actually reinforces the system of this world through me not finding the will to stand up and change within such moments of boredom.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the “feeling of boredom” is an opportunity for me to self-correct, through me standing up from within boredom and immediately apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and remain stable HERE within and as BREATH.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let boredom determine the quality of my life experience, where I lack the motivation to change when within boredom because of being assaulted with negative emotions which pushes me to lock myself within my mind even further rather than standing up from within my mind through the decree of me stating “NO MORE, I will not accept or allow being possessed by boredom any further”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the feeling of boredom through me watching television, reading senseless information throughout the internet or me staring blankly at the sky rather than actually standing up and act in accordance with what needs to be done HERE in order for CHANGE to be made REAL such as writing myself to freedom, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in boredom through the feelings of sadness, from within which the depressive energy pushes me to “not act” and remain engulfed in sadness just as one would be engulfed in moving sands where each movement made only pushes me deeper into the feeling of sadness – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feeling of sadness can be stopped through self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty from within which I can find the courage to stand up from sadness and act in order to bring about REAL CHANGE in this world as what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek/want/desire to change another as the example of my mother, because of the want/need/desire to feel good about myself if I am to bring about a positive energy to another who is feeling the effects of negative energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to feel good about myself through the proxy of another, without realising that I am thus enslaving myself to the feelings of another such as my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bored because of not having a lot of things to do and of having a lot of free time on my hands – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can use the free time and the fact that I do not have a lot of things to do as opportunities to write myself to freedom, self-forgive myself and enounce self-corrective statements that I can apply HERE in order to bring about effective change in this world that is best for all life, equal and one with all beings in this world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that boredom is a pattern that I use within my mind, in order to keep on deluding myself that I am not responsible for what is currently happening in the world/my world, rather than stopping myself from the feeling of boredom so that I can ACT AS A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING and bring about REAL change in my world and the world at large.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty inside as the prime sensation/feeling that comes with the feeling of boredom and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack the will to change when I am under the influence of boredom because of the belief that I am too small to bring about change in this/my world, not realising that it is with the power of a group such as desteni that real CHANGE can occur in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reinforce the feeling of boredom through me listening to music from within which I reminisce times of the past where I was more active thus reinforcing the feeling of sadness associated with boredom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored when someone who is close to me expresses being bored.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the urge to cry when I am under the influence of boredom because of me feeling diminished from the ideal of myself which lurks within the shadows of my mind rather than being equal to and one with the physical as who I truly am here as all as one as life equal to all living beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about myself when participating within the comparison game with another when feeling bored, through me comparing myself to the status of another as being less than or more than another depending on what I have or not have as compared to what another has or not.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that boredom is a feeling that comes out of the game of comparison with another as boredom is the negative energy experienced when I compare my current status to the status of another whom I perceive as belonging to the same group as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop comparing myself to another through the reaction of boredom from within which I silently compare myself negatively towards another or a group of people who share similar characteristics with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed thus experiencing negative outflows of energy when I experience boredom, rather than standing up from boredom and the game of negative and positive energies through me stating “NO MORE”, stop and apply self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make another feel better about him/herself so that I could feel good about myself and within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that through me participating in acts of seeking to make another feel better about him/herself through making me feel better about myself, only reinforces the belief that I am the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus is not in the best interest of all, as the mind is the deceptive nature of mankind which allows abuse to exist within this world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the best I can do in order to help another with their feelings is not to partake in the emotions/feelings/sensations that they experiment and remain stable HERE within and as the physical so that I can ACT according to what is best for all life, equal and one with all living beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what another person is feeling, not realising that when I do so, I diminish the scope of my actions to that which is permitted by the limits of the feelings experienced, thus not acting in order of what is best for all life, for still being manipulated by the feelings of the mind.
If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “boredom” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.
When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of boredom as “I have nothing to do”, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the boredom arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the boredom game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in boredom as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.
I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “boredom” and from blaming myself and others as being bored, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.
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