This morning when I woke up, I still felt overly sleepy as if I hadn’t had enough sleep during the night – which seems unreasonable since I usually sleep in the vicinity of 10 hours per day since about 8 months or so. The reason why I am sleeping as much is in direct relationship to the medication that I have been taking for the past months. I have been diagnosed as being bipolar – to which I have already commented on some of my previous posts – and am forced to take medication in order to control the condition.
However, one of the side effects of the medication is that I tend to oversleep because of the induced sensation of drowsiness that comes with the intake of the medication. I usually do not feel the effects of drowsiness when I wake up, primarily because I allow myself to sleep as long as I feel sleepy – being that I currently do not have a job or any social obligations that would force me to wake up at predefined moments. However, I am currently planning on waking up sooner than what I have accustomed myself to for the past few months, being that I usually wake up around the vicinity of 1 pm. I want to wake up sooner because I am planning on re-joining the working environment shortly. The problem that I am thus facing concerns the fact that the medication that I am taking makes me sleep more than what would be sufficient.
I never liked taking the medication that has been prescribed to me in order to treat my mental condition. Ever since the first prognostic of bipolar disorder back in 2003, I have passed many years without taking the medication. The fact that I didn’t perceive my condition as being an illness played within my decision to not take the medication. Also, I wasn’t followed by the medical corps within the years prior to the end of last year, meaning that I wasn’t regularly checked by any psychiatrist prior to the end of 2011. This situation has changed however, since I now am ordered by court to have regular visits to my psychiatrists in order to ensure that I take my medication. Thus, I currently have to take the medication even if I feel physically worse with my medication. So, the problem I am now facing is that in order for me to function properly within society, it has been deemed by the medical corps that I have to take my medication in order to control the bipolar disorder. The side effect of that is that, like I said earlier, I feel generally drowsier when I wake up, not discarding that I also feel less energetically active with the medication running rampant within my system.
Coming back to the drowsy feeling that I experienced when I woke up today, what I experienced was due to the fact that I forced myself to wake up before I completely felt fresh and awake – to which I will have to enforce as the day will go along because I am planning on reintegrating the working environment soon. Thus, the problem I am facing is that I have to take the medication even if it makes me feel sleepy when I wake up. The fact that I want to wake up earlier in order to instil a new habit of sleeping comes into conflict with the reality that is generated by the medication that I have to take. Thus, since I have to take the medication, I’ll have to force myself to awake sooner and sooner until I reach my goal of waking up at around 8 am before I’ll feel comfortable in re-joining the working environment.
What the situation that I experienced this morning has brought to my awareness however, concerns the act of sleeping in itself. The fact that I usually oversleep, even if it is induced by the medication that I have to take, shows that I am in a way, having a will to hide from my responsibilities as a human being, preferring to remain in bed rather than face what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind. Thus, I will have a look at the act of sleeping itself throughout the application of self-forgiveness in order to release myself from the unconscious desire to not face what needs to be faced if I am to be consistent with my commitment to bring about what is best for all life.
Self-forgiveness on sleeping/oversleeping:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oversleep because of the unconscious desire to remain in bed rather than facing my reality for what I have accepted and allowed it to become as my world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the act of oversleeping is an act of abuse and dishonesty because through this act, I am stating that I do not want to change who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become which is a being of abuse through the constant participation in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want to change” through me oversleeping or staying in bed even if I am consciously aware of being awake – and within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the act of oversleeping means that I “do not want to change” thereby stating that I prefer remaining engulfed within my own little bubble of dreamlike fantasies rather than opening my eyes up through the bursting of my little bubble in order to see/understand and realise what needs to be done in order to bring about a world that is best for all life, equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the medication as a justification that supports the condition that I do not want to partake in any longer, although stating through the mere act of waking up late that I still want to partake in the condition that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that through me staying in bed late, I am being dishonest with my statement of change because of continuing within the patterns of “shutting my eyes at the world” rather than bursting my bubble of comfort so as to bring about real effective change in my life and in the world at large.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleep as a means to hide myself form my responsibilities towards myself as the physical as life, thereby wallowing within worlds of fantasies rather than waking up from the slumber and hypnosis of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sleeping less because of the fear of having too much time on my hands, now that I am currently out of work/job, if I am to wake up sooner within my days.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that by sleeping less and less, that I will have more opportunities to self-correct through self-forgiveness because of having more “awake time” on my hands, from within which new perspective/points will emerge for me to apply self-forgiveness in order to bring about real effective change for what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to favour sleeping over waking up in the morning because of the fear of having to spend more time alone with myself in full awareness, not realising that the more time I have to face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the mind, the more I will have opportunities to CHANGE for what is best for all life – through the process of self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I only need between 4 and 6 hours of sleep per night in order for the physical to feel refreshed and ready to face the day.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the reason why I prefer sleeping than being awake is that I fear the day as the moment where I have to make decisions and actions for the survival of the lifestyle that I have accustomed as being my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel drowsy when I wake up sooner than I usually do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within this current self-forgiveness statement because of having difficulties in finding specific points in regards to the act of oversleeping – whereas I become redundant and repetitive within my statements just so that I may reach the point I have set out for myself which is to write as much self-forgiveness statements as possible just so as to show that I am applying myself – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is not about the quantity of self-forgiveness statements that I can make, but the quality as the “real” as the true “self-reflecting points” of self-forgiveness rather than points that are not the expression of what is currently HERE as the honest expression of myself HERE within and as the physical as what emerges from moment to moment.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remain true to the points which are emerging from moment to moment as points of self-forgiveness, even if they are not perceived as being related to the subject that I am focussing on at a given moment of self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that sleep is not necessary as it is the expression of the desire of mankind to not face what it is that we globally create within this world – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep as a systematic mechanism that represents the will of mankind to let things as they are, meaning to let the abuse of life continue as it is without us intervening in order to change this system of abuse towards a system that dignifies life such as the equal money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep more than what is necessary just because I “like” being in a dreamlike state – and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “like” a mind generated state which is abusive in nature for it allows abuse to continue in this world while I remain silent and inactive within the grasp of slumber and sleep.
I commit myself into bringing about a world where life is dignified and where money serves life rather than life serving money.
If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “oversleeping” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.
When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of oversleeping as “I am too tired to wake up”, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the slumber arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the slumber game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in slumber as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.
I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “sleeping” through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.
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