For what am I afraid of being judged? I am afraid of being judged ugly by others because of having been judged ugly when I was a teenager growing up in my world. As a teenager, I was often teased and ridiculed by my peers for being different, within which my differences were primarily portrayed by the colour of my skin and the aspect of my face. I remember a particular incident where I was in computer science class and where a group of students stood near me, as I was sitting down in front of a computer, and where they were calling me all sorts of names all the while looking at my face intensely, as I tried to avert their gaze by looking at the computer screen. Within this moment, I sought to hide from their presence through me going into my mind so that I could escape the reality that they were presenting to me.
Through their name callings – mainly telling me that I was ugly – I felt ashamed of being me, as if I was something that was to be kept hidden because of not being in tune with what was accepted as a “beautiful/normal human being” from their judgments. The instinctive reaction that came up, was that of wanting to hide from their gaze, but since I couldn’t do so in a practical sense, I had to “hide within the scope of my mind” because there were simply nowhere else to go, as I was in class at the time. I remember that there was about 3 of them (not really sure if my memory is right or not) and they all stood in an upright position as I was in a sitting position, blankly looking in front of my computer screen as to make it seem that I was busy doing something, whereas I wasn’t doing anything but listening to their remarks and trying not to understand what they were telling me. The feeling of smallness overwhelmed me from within that moment because of the way they were looking at me and of the words they were throwing my way.
I remember that within moments where I felt uncomfortable, such as the moment I am currently describing here, that I had the tendency to go and hide in places where I wouldn’t be seen by those who made me feel uncomfortable. As an example, I used to hide in the school’s bathroom whenever I felt the near presence of those who bullied me. Thus, within this mind frame of “hiding” whenever I faced trouble, I sought to hide within this moment but since I wasn’t practically able to, because of being within the context of a class that was mandatory for me to attend, I rather sought to hide away within my mind.
This pattern of “hiding away within my mind” whenever I face uncomfortable situations has been with me ever since childhood, where I used to hide in the basement when I was alone with my father. I feared my father because he had the habit of beating me whenever I did something that wasn’t approved by him. Thus from early on, I learned through self-programming that the best solution was to hide whenever I was faced with a situation where I felt threatened. I never really learned to face a threatening situation head on, because of fearing the reactions of others.
I usually saw those who were threatening me as being a projection of my father. Within this, I saw them as I would see my father: an authority figure, someone who is more knowledgeable than me, someone who is better than me, someone who knows what and who I am, someone who is stronger than me, someone to which I have to abide to because of the fear of the consequences that would follow if I were not to answer their orders. Whenever I was in a situation where the solution of hiding in a physical place was not permitted of feasible, I would hide within the confines of my mind.
I realise that, within the subject of fearing being called ugly, that I also do the same thing that others did to me as I was a teenager in this world, within that I tend to judge others according to their physical appearance as a means to judge if the person is worthy of my company or not. Thus, I do exactly as those who judged me as I was growing up, within that I judge others on the basis of their physical appearance as a benchmark that I would use to determine if the person was/is worthy of my company or not.
When I was judged as being ugly, the primary emotion that was running through my veins was guilt within that I felt guilty of being me and through this guilt, I sought to hide away so that others would not be able to see the subject of my guilt, which was myself – within this experience. Thus, I sought to hide myself from the gaze of those who bullied me, but since this was not possible within this particular situation, I instead hid within the confines of my mind. Through this act of hiding myself within the confines of my mind, I reinforced the idea that I was the mind rather than the physical body. The sensation of me as who I am, thus began to be reinforced through me “hiding who I am in my mind” from the gaze of the bullies. Thus, “who I am” began to be a set of characteristics which were akin to the mind rather than to the physical body. Since I wasn’t able to physically hide from the gaze of the bullies, I hid what I thought to be me within the mind – thus, each time I hid within my mind, I reinforced the idea/belief that I was the mind rather than the physical body. The mind allowed me the space that I needed in order to “hide the abstract characteristics of me” within its confines – however, since I wasn’t able to physical hide my physical body from the presence of the bullies, but was able to “hide the sense of who I am within my mind”, I reinforced thus to perceive the mind as being who I truly was.
I realise that I do the exact same thing to others whenever I am faced with someone that I do not know and that I see for the first time – where I look at the person’s face, and judge the person worth on the symmetric harmony or disharmony of its facial structures. Yesterday, for example, as I was at a concert with a friend of mine, I was constantly judging the persons who were presenting themselves on the stage rather than unconditionally listening to what they had to say through their songs. This, I realise, is the exact same behaviour that I was internally fighting against as I was a teenager – I judge others as others judged me and through this, participate in the mind rather than be here physically, one and equal as life as all.
Within this, I have built the belief that I am unworthy of others unless I can show an image which is acceptable/pretty enough to be liked by others. Thus, I spend tremendous amounts of time in front of the mirror just to make sure that my physical appearance is good enough to avoid being called ugly by others. Through this, I have defined myself as being unworthy of other’s presence unless I feel comfortable enough through my physical appearance, a feeling that usually comes after I spend tremendous amounts of time in front of the mirror so as to make sure that I am the prettiest person that I can possibly be at a particular given time.
I will do self-forgiveness on the issue of being called ugly as I sense that there are a lot of points that I need to deconstruct before this point gets released from my physical body. I will do self-forgiveness tomorrow as I currently need time to properly think about all the points which are related to that point.
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