Yesterday, I went to my monthly check-up at the “hl”. Like I already mentioned in some of my previous posts, I have been diagnosed as being a bipolar back in the year 2003, and ever since last year, I have to go to the “hl” within monthly check-ups in order for the “pt”s and “ne”s to verify if the dosage of “mn” is right within my “bs”. So, yesterday was one of those check-ups whereas I was checked to see if the right amount of “mn” was in my “bs”.
What I have to mention regarding those check-ups is that ever since last year, I have been suggested by the “ct” to take “mn” for what the “ml” profession perceive as being for my best interest – because I have then revealed to them that I did not regularly take my “mn”. The reason for that “ct” suggestion was because of the fact that last year I experienced an emotional turmoil which sent me to the “hl” for 3 months wherein I have been issued a “ct” suggestion to take my “mn” because of behaviours which they judged as being a menace to my wellbeing and the wellbeing of others = bullshit. Within those 3 months at the “hl”, I received different dosage of “mn” in order for the “pt”s to determine what would be the best dosage for my particular case. So, it was determined before the end of my detention at the “hl” that I would have to take 2 types of “mn” to treat my “ml condition”. However, the “mn” that is given to me generates side effects that are truly hard to live with – such has feeling comatose/confused almost all of the time while under the “mn”. So, what I have decided is to not take all of the “pd” “mn” – simply because of the negative side effects of some of those “mn” like what I have just explained.
However, the problem is that in order for me to abide to the “ct” suggestion, I have to go to the “hl” in monthly appointments in order for the “ml” staff which is attributed to me to verify the amount of “mn” in my “bs”, so as to ensure that I do take my “mn”. Earlier within my firsts appointments after getting out of the “hl” last year, I remained honest when I was asked if I took my “mn” as “pd”, so as to tell the “pt”s and “ne”s what I really did with the “mn” = which was not to take all of them. The problem with this honesty towards the “ml” staff however, is that it has always backfired whereas I would be moralised by the “pt” in him telling me that I needed those “mn” in order to ensure that I would not experience another manic or depressive episode, as they are convinced that my “ml” condition can only be treated byn “mn”. This doesn’t stand with me however, since I am convinced that the simple act of self-forgiving myself through the tools given by D such as self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, is enough for me to stop myself from participating within such experiences of “mind energy” and to re-align myself with the physical so as to stand for life instead of standing for the mind as energy. What I have specifically realised recently, after having applied myself within the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, is that my tendency to participate within positive or negative energies, have been extensively diminished, as I now tend to be more calm and stable within my expression, as I now stop myself from participating within the energies that were addictive to me in the past – such as the experiences of “high energy” that I regularly experienced in the past within manic episodes.
So, since the problem that I am now faced with is that I have to take the “mn” as per the “ct” suggestion – and that the “mn” that I am forced to take generates feelings/sensations of confusion and sleepiness within my mind – and that even if I have already told the “pt” and “ne” that the “mn” is generating negative effects within me, that they wouldn’t listen to me, telling me that I have to stick with the “plan” as the act of sticking to the “”mn”” that the “pt” “pd” to me, telling me that the negative side effects would subdue with time. However, this hasn’t been the case with me whereas I still to this day, feel confused/sleepy/comatose whenever I take the “mn” that is “pd” to me. Even if I have told the “pt” and “ne” of my problems with the “mn”, they wouldn’t budge within their conviction that the “mn” is the only solution for my predicament. So, considering that they have proven to me how close minded they are wherein they do not even show signs of listening to my complaints when I am being honest with them concerning the negative side effects of my “mn”, I am now being forced to lie to them when they are asking me if I take my “mn” regularly.
The only moments where I take my “mn” are the days which are just before my “bs” check-ups, which comes at the pace of about once per month. The reason why I do so is because I am the one who is experiencing the negative side effects of the “mn” and that the “pt” have no clue of what it is that I have to go through when I take the “mn”, because he have clearly showed no signs of compassion towards my situation when it comes to take the “mn”, being only concerned with his self-interest of selling me the “pn”. They are not the authority of me, I am. So, recently, I have stopped being honest with them (“ne” and “pt”) because they do not believe that I can stop myself from living/experimenting those manic/depressive episodes, being convinced that I am powerless within this diagnostic as they keep on telling me that the problem is because of an imbalance with the chemical reactions within my brain – and that there have been no scientific proof that one can heal himself/herself without the aid of “mn”. So, they keep on trying to convince me that the “mn” are the only thing which can “save” me from my “ml” condition = bullshit.
However, that doesn’t stand with me, as I am evidently the creator of that condition within my mind and that I am absolutely aware of being the onlyone responsible for my “ml” condition, as I am the one who fuelled the manic episodes when I lived them – and that it wasn’t something that is/was out of my control as what the “ml” profession wants me to believe. So, in order for me to protect my physical body/brain from the ill side effects of the “mn” – not forgetting the fact that the “mn” that I am forced to take have other side effects than those that I have already explained such as gaining weight -, I am forced to stop being honest with them and tell them lies such as telling them that I do take my “mn” everyday – which is false as I only take them on the days which precede my “bs” check-ups.
So, the problem I am now faced with is the dichotomy that I experience within myself in face of the fact that I want to remain honest with everyone as myself, but that because of the specific situation that I am living with within my relationship with the “ml” corps – such as I have explained throughout this post – that I have to lie to them as myself because of having to protect my “ml” and physical integrity from the negative effects of the “mn”. Since they have proven to me that they absolutely do not care about what I experience and live within the effects of the “mn”, being only concerned with their self-interest as determined by their profession and their blind loyalty to it, I have decided to lie to them so that I may continue not taking the “mn”, as I now currently am in control of myself through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application. I now actually see the difference within myself within the fact that I experience energy in a much less overwhelming fashion than how I experienced energetic reactions in the past. This gives me absolute confidence that the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application are actually working/changing me for the better as to become the living example of what is best for all life = not being controlled by energy. So, this equals no “mn” for me.
I will do self-forgiveness on this point in my next blog