Yesterday, I went and had a midnight walk in a field next to a house I lived in when I was 25 years old, which was the year where I experienced my first experience of manic energy, from within which I developed the condition of bipolarity as a defined mental illness.
As I was walking down the field, memories and surges of feeling energies came rushing back into my mind whereas I remembered within the rushing movements that was busy occurring within my mind, all of my significant experiences that I lived/experienced when I had the habit of going into that field when I was 25 years old. In my mind, there was this rush of many different emotions and feelings and thoughts that all came back to my conscious awareness from within which I could experience almost to the exact feelings, every significant moments that I had ever lived when going to that field in my past. I remembered almost all of the dialogues that I had with myself when I went to that “special place” that I had defined as being my “fortress of solitude” such as the name that was given to the place of resourcing for the fictional character of “superman”.
There were many significant experiences from within which I had built the belief of being a being of light/energy that came back to my awareness, and I could actually feel the same feelings of being overwhelmed with positive energy that I had the habit of reinforcing when I went to that specific location for meditation purposes in my past. I remembered all the times that I spent alone in that “special” location, where I used to talk to the trees, plants, stars and the universe wherein I believed myself as being a messenger from the “central sun” – such as the “central sun” that was defined in a “light worker” book that I read at the time, where it was suggested that the center of the galaxy as the “central sun” would eventually directly change life on earth through a “beam of light” that would impact earth so as to change life into a life that was worth living for – and that my purpose in life was to “inform all of humanity” of the “messages of light” that were coming from the center of the galaxy.
Needless to say that I was deeply fucking with myself within the beliefs that I was enforcing within myself for the purpose of complying with my desires to be “more than” what I saw myself as being, which was this tiny human being in face of the immensity of the universe. Thus, without proper wisdom and common sense, I delved deeply into the belief that I was a being of light and that my purpose in life was to prepare others through me being a messenger of the central sun, as was explained within some of the “light worker” books that I was reading at the time. The extent to which I fucked with myself became obvious through the “mental condition” that I developed through that desire of being equal to that of a being of light/high energy, which eventually brought me to develop the condition of bipolarity, such as I have explained in my previous posts.
Self-forgiveness on being a “light worker”:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a being of light/energy, because of having been influenced by a testimony that I read when I was 25 years old about the near death experiences that a man had where he described his experience as being within the realms of light/energy wherein he was brought to realise that everything was made of light/energy and that his/our purpose was to create as much light/energy as possible so that the universe would be fed by light/energy throughout existence, instead of realising the absolute separation towards physicality as life within such a testimony, whereas it was only the realm of the finite mind as illusion that was being experienced by the man and not the real and infinite realm of physicality as life – and that from within this testimony, that I have completely fucked myself up into the belief that our origins as beings were that of being made of light/energy, that has generated such experiences of manic energy within and as myself because of wanting/desiring to comply to that belief through me accumulating as much positive energy as possible so as to “give” that energy to the universe as statements of who and what I am so as to fulfill the “life’s goal” of giving as much energy/light as possible to the universe that I was brought to believe was the goal of all living things within this world.
Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from participating within the accumulation of positive energy as the mind ever since that experience of me reading the testimony that the man made about his near death experience, because of the belief that my goal was to accumulate as much positive energy as possible so as to be able to make the universe even more of and as “light/energy”, instead of realising that all throughout that time where I accumulated positive energy as the mind, that I was only furthering the enslavement of myself to consciousness whereas I have created such conditions as being/becoming bipolar, wherein the energy that I experienced within and as myself as the total accumulation of positive energy within and as my mind became so extensive that I actually became one and equal to the “god consciousness” wherein I believed and perceived myself as being equal and one to the “god consciousness” because of the “never before experimented amount of positive energy” that I eventually experienced within and as myself as the mind, while under the delusion of building as much as positive energy as possible so as to comply to the “life’s goal” that I believed was the most fundamental goal of all living beings through the reading of the man’s testimony, so as to make the universe expand within and as what it essentially was, which I believed it to be of light/energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the accumulation/gaining of as much positive energy as possible ever since the time where I read the man’s near death testimony, wherein I would deliberately participate within sessions of meditation which were designed to build as much positive energy as possible so as to become a being of light/energy as such was what I believed myself as essentially being through the reading of the man’s near death experience, instead of realising that through me accepting and allowing myself to build as much positive energy as possible, that I was thus only suppressing more and more the negative energies within and as my physical body and that I was thus only furthering the system of polarity as the enslavement of the physical towards and within the confines of the limited mind, rather than stopping myself from participating within the polarity games of the mind through the tools of BREATHING, self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to become one and equal to what I truly essentially always was and am, which was/is the manifestation of life eternal HERE within and as the physical body as all as one as equal as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the delusion of being a being of light/energy, have created a “special bond/relationship” towards a field that was/is located next to the house where I lived at, at the time where I read the man’s near death’s testimony, whereas I have defined that location/spot as being “my fortress of solitude” wherein I saw myself as being like “superman” and that that “special location” was the place where I would go to resource myself within the accumulation/gaining of positive energy as the nature which surrounded me, much like the “fortress of solitude” of the fictional character of “superman” – instead of realising that all I was busy doing within the times where I went to that “special place” as the field which was located next to the house where I lived at at the time, was to accumulate/build emotional relationships/ties towards that specific place and the environmental elements that were/is within that place, such as the trees that I then perceived as being beings of light within which existed a mystical wisdom that was being shared with me when I went to that specific location for meditation/resourcing of myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that all I was busy doing while I went to that specific location/spot, was to reinforce my emotional bond/relationship/ties to that physical location, whereas the mere thought of that place has generated feelings of longing/nostalgia because of the emotional/energy experiences that I experienced while I went to that specific place, which only enslaved me further within the systems of the mind, such as the emotions/feelings connected to that area, instead of stopping myself from participating within such games of the mind as the emotions of longing and nostalgia through the use of BREATHING, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to completely stop myself from participating within the mind as illusions and bring myself back HERE as who I truly am as life as the physical, all as one as equal as all living beings, so that I can really become an example to all of what it is to be a responsible human being who behaves in ways which are best for all life, such as me sorting myself out through the DIP program and to support organisations such as the Equal Money System in order to bring about a world which is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was a messenger from the “central sun” wherein my purpose in life was to inform all of humanity of the impending change that would eventually happen on earth, through the “messages” that I believed were coming from the “central sun” through my influences generated through the reading of a “light worker” book from within which it was explained that the “central sun” would eventually send a beam of light towards earth so as to change life in order to bring about a new dimension of earth, such as allowing earth to ascend to another dimension – from within which I perceived myself as being a being of light which purpose was to prepare humanityas a messenger for the change that was to come, and also to prepare myself to go into the higher dimensions where the new earth would manifest itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate overwhelming feelings of positive energy when I went to the “special field” that was next to my house when I was 25 years old, wherein I would spend enormous amounts of time meditating and spelling out mantras so as to align myself to the high frequencies of light, such as the frequencies of light I imagined as being the frequencies from within which operated the beings of light I was busy reading about from within my books and websites which revolved specifically around such beings – instead of realising that through me accepting and allowing myself to participate within such meditative practices which had the purpose of building and building and building and accumulating and accumulating and accumulating enormous amounts of positive energies, would only further my enslavement to the disease of the mind, as I was thus simultaneously building and building and building and accumulating and accumulating and accumulating enormous amounts of negative energies within and as my subconscious mind – in order to balance out all of the positive energies that I was busy accumulating within my consciousness – which eventually manifested within deep experiences of depression where I thought of killing myself because of the overwhelming amout of negative energy that eventually made itself aware within and as my consciousness. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that through me accepting and allowing myself to participate within the accumulation of positive energy, that I was instantaneously accepting and allowing myself to participate within the accumulation of negative energy because of the common sense equation that one doesn’t come without the other, as it is the foundation of the polarity games of the mind, which only enslaved me further within the disease of the mind as separation – instead of stopping my participation within such a disease as the polarity games of the mind, through me simply BREATHING so as to return to who I am HERE within and as self-honesty as the breath as life, equal and one with who I truly am as the physical as life HERE, instead of running away from who I am HERE within the delusion of meditation and spiritual practices which only reinforces the delusion of being equal and one with the mind as our absolute identity, while our absolute identity is simply who we are HERE as the physical as all as one as equal, within the principle of oneness and equality as life.
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate within such games of mind polarity such as the accumulation of positive energy through meditations, through the realisation that as long as I accept and allow myself to participate within the mind as games of polarity, that I automatically accept and allow myself to participate within energy as the mind which abuses/misuses substance as myself through the consumption of the physical as life for the own sustenance/survival of myself as finite Energy – to which I am ultimately not, as who I am is one and equal with the physical as life eternal, wherein there is NO ENERGY which controls who I am as the physical.
I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty, write daily in my blog so as to become a living example to others as what it is to be a responsible human being which acts for the interest of what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for everyone, Equal and One with all living beings.
If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the reaction of “sensing energy swell up within me” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage in for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.
When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of a light/energy being, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the personality arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the personality game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in personality as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.
I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about myself as the feeling/experience of light/positive energy, through the use of thoughts and emotions, learned ideas and beliefs about the human condition, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and breathing – to stop the desires and stop the frictions/judgments/blame/spite within and as me and so allow me to express myself unconditionally for the first time.
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