Here is a description of a dream I had yesterday, which relates to a specific point within which I now locate myself within my being – which is close or at the core of my physical being. Within this description, is explained the steps of self realisation that have brought me to that point – through my willingness to absolutely stop the dishonesties within myself. It serves as support for those who are in their processes as it explains, in close details, the steps that I have taken within myself, which by themselves relates to the steps that are within us all. In a sort, it is an example of “writing yourself to freedom”, although being done within context of a dream, which in itself, acted as a reflection of my position within myself, within the process of absolute self-honesty.
Dream of the black eyed queen vs. the blue/white eyed queen where both queens had « syringe-like » stings on their wrist – the black eyed queen which contained a poison of some sorts which was designed to « go into the bloodstream » of the « victim ».
First, what comes to mind of the dream was the moment where the « black eyed queen » stung me with the poisoned sting around her wrist but where the expected effects were ineffective. The context of the sequence was where the black-eyed queen was in a battle with the blue/white eyed queen which was set in a context of a « Persian war » where an unseen opponent to the « blue/white eyed queen’s clan » was preparing an assault on her « kingdom » from behind the horizon point, where the horizon was at the far end of a « sea » which was assumed to be between both factions. It was envisioned – through a vision within the dream- that the enemy of the white queen’s clan – where i was a part of in the dream – was an « alien species of some sorts » which had the power to « part the seas » and make way for the assault on the blue/white eyed queen’s kingdom. I was shown a vision within the dream, the vision being out of focus for the fact that it was seen from afar. The vision was that of a group of « alien species » preparing for battle on their « land » behind the horizon point at the far edges of the sea. Within that vision, it was told that they had a technology to part the seas and make their way to the « white/blue eyed queen’s » kingdom to which I was a part of. I was explained, through another vision where a « scientist » was « experimenting » on a « chemical substance » within an aquarium, that « we » as the « white queen’s clan » had a « plan » that was designed to « submerge » the « enemy » within the « sea » as they would traverse the sea towards « our » kingdom after the application of their « parting of the sea » technology. Within the vision, I saw the scientist place the chemical liquid within the tubes of a designed word within the aquarium, and watched as the chemical made it’s way towards the end of the « designed word ». Once the « designed word » was filled with the chemical substance/liquid, a reaction of the water would occur at the far end of the aquarium – where the water began to boil by forming bubbles that overlapped on themselves, disturbing the state of the water within the aquarium from the end of the « designed word » towards the beginning of the word, where the « scientist » had infused the « chemical liquid » within the tubes forming the « designed word ». This vision showed me the effect of the chemical on the water it was submerged in. It allowed me to see the plan of the « white/blue eyed queen » in regards to the impending attack. The white queen seemed quite confident that her « plan » would work.
The reason why I said that the scene of the dream was that of a « Persian war » scenario, was first, because of the presence of the « sea » within the dream as in an image I have of a battle between two clans where their territory was delimited by a sea. The other reason why i said that, even though it doesn’t seem related, was due to another part of the dream which preceded that part, where I was within an « Inca/Maya » culture, playing a rudimentary form of « football/soccer ». Within that part of the dream, I was a goaltender. I was playing against an opponent which was dressed and had the manners of a stereotypical native-American-Mayan or Incan (people related to the Mayan culture) person. I was within a stadium that gave the impression that I was in the middle of a rudimentary culture, probably in the middle of a jungle. At one point within that sequence of the dream, I cut my big left toe (maybe it was the right one… not that sure) after hitting the ball towards the opposing team’s goaltender. As blood was gushing out of my toe, i forfeited the game and went towards the other end of the field – where the exit was – to take care of my toe. As I was walking towards the end of the field, the opponent’s goaltender came to me and told me to hit my big toe to make the blood stop rushing out. Since i appeared doubtful, he hit my bloodied big toe with his thumb (or another part of his hand), right next to the open would. At first, I feared the hit, but as soon as he had struck my toe, the blood stop gushing out. The wound then seemed to be closed, but not yet fully. Seeing then that the method proposed by the opposing goaltender, which was to hit my open wound with a part of my body (preferably my thumb or my hand), did work, i decided to hit it myself, so to make the blood completely stop from gushing out. This i did and as I realised then, the blood did stop gushing out.
So, with that event occurring before the part of the « war between the queens », I was within the impression that I was within the Mayan culture or a culture of the same nature as that of the Mayans – being fed ancient knowledge regarding forgotten techniques to fix problems of some sorts, to which the open wound was a representation of.
Another sequence of the dream comes to mind, where I was in the street where I grew up, with the company of a friend of that time to which I was in close relationship with. I remember, from the dream that I was walking towards my primary school, within a conversation with that early friend of mine. I do not exactly remember the words that were spoken with that friend within the dream (his name was Frederic Mancinni), but I do remember that they were related to something that had to do with the image that i maintained of myself and how that image held my expression within a limiting structure. Although I am currently expression the way that I now perceive that moment within the dream, i cannot exactly claim that it was related to that subject. However, that is the general impression that is left from that particular sequence within the dream.
Later on, as I was walking with Frederic Mancini, we reached a point where we were in a field, next to the primary school that I attended when I was young, where there were a bunch of people waiting for a particular event within the field (i’m not so sure now about if they were waiting of if they were already in the middle of an activity, as the memory of that sequence within the dream, is currently fading away).
Not so sure about the relevance of that last sequence within the dream though. Anyways, getting back to the « war of the queens » sequence of the dream, which I feel was the primary point that the dream was informing me about, I left off where I was shown the plan to vanquish the « dark eyed queen » opponent by the « white eyed queen » faction. Without exactly remembering the chronological order within the events that led me to the next sequence, I remember being within the clan of the « dark eyed queen ». I had been « caught », it seems, by the « dark eyed queen » faction and was looked at by the « dark eyed queen » as the deciding piece in the « dark queen’s » projected victory of the conflict, as if my captivity within their realm, assured their victory of the ongoing war.
Looking at me in a confident fashion, the « dark eyed queen » told me that she would poison me with the sting that was on her wrist (as if it was on a bracelet of some sorts). It was then shown to me, through a visualisation within the dream, that the chemical liquid within her sting, would boil the vital fluids within me, which would disable me thus assure their « victory » over the « white/blue eyed queen ». Laughing, she injected the sting within me (through a part of my body to which i do not exactly remember) which infused the « poison » within my veins.
However, then, what occurred wasn’t expected by the « dark eyed queen’s » projected plan, as the poison had no effect on me. I remained there, without feeling moved by the poison, as no emotional feelings or reactions were generated within me. To this event, the « dark queen » was dumbfounded, but no matter how she tried to « poison » me through the chemicals within her sting, I remained stable = without any emotional reactions towards the chemical substance.
Then, as I do not remember exactly the series of events which led me to the following sequence, I found myself on the beach, while the « dark eyed queen » enemy had now taken the form of « alien beings ». It was night time and the full moon was shining bright over the ocean. In the sky, I could see a fleet of « alien organic-like spaceships », that were fleeing towards space, as if in answer to what could have been interpreted as a defeat. They seemed to flee through the realisation that the poison had no effect on me, and that their core plan for winning the « war » between the « blue/white eyed queen » and the « dark empty eyed queen » was now rendered ineffective, as I remained unaffected by what they seemed to consider their « ultimate plan of control » through subjecting me to the queen’s « debilitating » poison.
I was there, in the middle of the beach, in a small indentation/concave surface within the sandy beach where water had accumulated. A few remaining aliens were still fighting, apparently in vain, in order to make a last stance against their impending defeat. Armed with a water gun, I sprayed one of the alien life form that remained, trying to fight his way out – who had some kind of light appendices – with water. As the water hit the alien, it was rendered automatically functionless as it’s body apparently became an empty shell, where it’s driving force seemed to have vanished from it’s body through the contact of the water from my water gun.
As I laid there on the beach, I looked towards the sky and saw, in the distance, the fleeting alien organic-like spaceships as if leaving the scene, out of the realisation that they were now rendered powerless – that they reached a point of realisation within themselves, that they no longer had any power within « me », or the aspect of me which was represented by the beach and the location where the « war » had taken place.
So, in essence, that was the dream I’ve had as I remember it now. The meaning of the dream is relatively understood to me at the moment, as it is a direct reflection of how I have just recently, decided to not allow myself to feel guilty for simply being who I am – as I have realised, recently, that it is best for me to show myself for who i am, without any masks whatsoever = without the desire or the tendency or the personally design of maintaining a positive/beautiful image of myself at all times, for that is simply not the case of me and is thus, dishonest. Associated with the fact that I have a « different » facial appearance than others, where my head has always been larger/bigger than most/normal, I was always internally pushed to « hide » that aspect of me, which is a physical attribute that cannot be denied, to others, as it is the physical image of me in this world. I have been brought to feel ashamed/guilty for having such a big head, through the relationship that I had with my father, as I was internalizing my first sense of identity/personality.
With that association, comes the memory of my childhood, where my father used to beat and laugh at me. Aside from the beating aspect, which comes into play with the guilt I have associated as the foundational sentiment/feeling related to my personality/identity, there was the aspect where my father used to laugh at me just by looking at me, which always brought back the feeling of guilt that have been ingrained within me from the moments where my father beat me as a child.
With the logic that I had at the time, I didn’t understand the reasons why my father beat me, but through the repetition of my father saying, essentially, that he did so because i didn’t follow his authority = I didn’t clean myself up after eating or I didn’t always follow his orders when he wanted me to do specific things – I became to associate the feeling I had when being beaten, with the fact of being who I was/am. This « guilty » feeling that I associated with myself, since it was a feeling that manifested itself within myself when I was being told who I was by my father’s action – through him beating me and him laughing at my appearance = the fact that I had and still have a big head – , was at the core of my personality design/identity, where at the foundation of my « interiorised self », who I am as a feeling representation of my physical self, is who I am as a feeling of « guilt ».
I learned that, through being beaten and laughed at for « my big head » a tat a very young age, that who I am as a internalized feeling association, was the feeling of guilt. Since i didn’t understood why my father beat me, i could only associate the reason for it as being because I was who I was physically, as the internalized representation of my self-image, since within myself, I did not SEE myself as being different, but I was told that I was different. Since I have been brought to believe that I was different through the belief that I was special/unique/ « an individual », I was unconsciously brought to associate a specific inner feeling of myself with the idea that I was different. That feeling which I associated with myself, was the feeling which manifested itself from within, when I was being addressed by my father, in particular, through him screaming at me, beating me or verbally abusing me. In essence, the feeling that was expressed through which I associated the core of my identity with, was a feeling of « being compressed within myself » – a compression which was at the nth degree = to the degree that I experienced that « compressing feeling » when I experienced being « beaten » and verbally abused by my father.
Thus, that feeling then associated itself with the feeling of « guilt » I experienced when my father justified his violence towards me, by saying that it was because of this or that, like because i didn’t follow his orders or that i didn’t clean myself up after eating. At that point in my development, being a child with no knowledge of the world whatsoever, I obviously had no clue as to why « not cleaning myself after eating » or why « not following his authority » was related to something being « wrong », as I was simply merely expressing myself. However, since I was told that I did something « wrong » that justified my father’s verbal and physical violence towards me, and since i didn’t understood what I did within the context of my father’s/the world perspective, I internalized that « wrongness » as being me.
After I was beaten, my father explained to me why I was beaten as to justify the validity of his actions. To this, I first expressed my disapproval of his actions towards me, but they were to no avail, as my father continuously beat and verbally abused me whenever he deemed to do so. Following each of those defining moments of myself, he explained to me why he was « right » to do so, according to the fact that I did things which went against his will, or idea of how I should behave.
The repetition of his beating and verbal abuse furthered by compounding and augmenting that frustration I experienced within, of having to live through the suffering that my father inflicted upon my physical body. My cries or my call for mercy didn’t change anything, as my father continuously beat and abused me with utter disrespect of my cries and obviously worsened physical state. Through this, since my cries and expression were dismissed by my father, I quickly learned that the best for me was to hide from my father, in order to avoid the pain and suffering that he inflicted upon my physical body. So, I started hiding.
At first, I hid within the basement of the house I lived in at the time, waiting for the protective presence of my mother, whenever I was alone with my father. My mother, through this, became the presence within which I was allowed to express myself as I wanted, without the fear of being aggressed/ « in physical pain » for any wrong doing. Those moments that I shared with my mother, I internalized as the space within my head where I was allowed to express myself freely, without fear. Thus, my mother became the space where I allowed myself to express myself as I wanted within my « mind » = a space where I feared no abuse whatsoever, as it was the reflection of the relationship that I had with my mother, where I felt protected from fear in her presence = which was a protection from my father’s abuse.
My mother became my mind, for it was the space within myself, where I could express my unconditional expression without the fear of « paying » for any wrong doings. I thus internalized what my mother was within my relationship with her, as I internalized all of her traits as the boundaries within which I allowed myself free expression within my « head ». However, this had created a boundary with my « guilt » sensation of self, as the « unconscious feeling representation » of myself within my being/body. As I did not « want/desire » to « live/experience » the feeling of « guilt » as the reflection of the verbal and physical abuse imposed on me through my father’s violence towards me, I did all that in my power to reinforce the boundary between my mind and my core physical feeling of myself, which was the extremity of which I have experienced my physical body. That extremity of my physical feeling sensation representing my body to my inner awareness of self, was the extreme feeling sensation that differentiated itself to all other inner sensations whenever I was being told who I was by my father. When my father addressed itself to my physical body, it was done so specifically through violence, through which I have internalized the feelings as my inner representation of my body. The extremity of those sensations, held the core definition of me when with my father’s presence, who represented all that is/was authoritative in my world.
I became the feeling of « guilt » as my physical body through my relationship with my father, and the feeling of « freedom » as the mind through my relationship with my mother. I refused to go and to acknowledge the feeling of guilt as myself, just as I refused to live and acknowledge the painful experiences I went through trough my relationship with my father. I thus shut myself down from my physical body so that I may exist only in my mind. This I thought was for the best of me, because of course, all of my thoughts originated from my mind, which were equal to the will that my mother had for me = she didn’t want me to experience any sufferings whatsoever. My thoughts became a reflection of my mother’s will for me, while my body became a reflection of my father’s will for me. My father’s will was to « reinforce » the concept of authority within me, while my mother’s will was to reinforce the concept of freedom within me. I thus separated myself from my physical body, and became trapped within my mind.
Recently, however, I came to the realisation that I cannot eternally hide myself from my physical experience, as my physical experience is the truth of me. The feeling of guilt that was permeating my body through the maintenance of my « mind’s identity », only got « bigger » as it was ever more compounded within my body as I reinforced the boundaries of my mind to keep away from the « ever greater feeling » of « guilt », manifested within my body as a deep feeling of abdication, which was itself linked with the experiences I had with my father of not being able to make him stop beating me, thus creating the feeling of abdication towards self, as i believed it was no use in even trying to save myself, since all my attempts as a child, were inconsequential as my father kept beating me.
What I realised recently, is that that feeling of guilt will remain as long as I will stick to the idea that I am what my mind tells me = as long as I will use my mind as a space of protected and « limitless » self-expression where I allow myself to express myself as I see fit, the guilt feeling will remain as it is in itself, reinforced by my constant hiding within my mind. As I hide within my mind, I reject what my body tells me of myself and only accept and follow what my mind tells me. I did so because my body essentially told me that i was « guilty » of being me, for the feeling that was constantly generated through the authority figure of my father, was one of profound pain that transformed itself as sadness towards myself, for not being able to stop the pain from occurring.
After I learned what guilt meant, through my growing understanding of the world I was in, i associated that word – which was internalized in the mind – to the feeling that was the most relevant to the meaning of the world guilt within the experience of myself.
The dictionary says that the word guilt means : « The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense ». Through my basic understanding of myself at the time of the internalization of the word « guilt », i related the meaning of the word to the experiences I had of what the word represented within the context of physical actions/expressions. After deliberating in order to understand, it was made clear to me, through those teaching me the word « guilt », that what it represented was the action of « being responsible for the commission of an offense ». Thus, in order to create an understanding of the word within me, I was being told that I was « guilty » by those who instituted the knowledge of the word within me, whenever i made an action which was within the context of what the word represented as a physical action. I was brought to associate within my mind, the concept of guilt to my personal actions which related to the concept. By extension, this association was automatically made each time I was within a situation where I was committing an action where I was held responsible of an offence. This, unconsciously, was then associated with the relationship I had with my father = the primary authoritative figure in my world – the figure who decided what was good and what was wrong for me to do in this world.
Automatically, thus, I associated guilt with my father’s action towards me, where when he told me that I did something wrong, I associated the « feeling sensation of that wrongdoing » with the concept that « guilt » represented. My father was the one who imprinted the knowledge of myself as a « inner feeling sensation of my outer physical self » within me. That feeling was further intensified every time my father beat me through the excuse of me doing something wrong, which was internalized and lived within myself every time he beat me. Thus, to what my father represented to me, which is essentially the authoritative figure/s in my world = the one/s which tells me who i am and what to do in order to live in this world –, I internally became the feeling of guilt, because that feeling told me that I was ME within myself, because my father told me who I was throughout that feeling.
The intensity of that feeling became the differentiated inner sensation of myself that isolated who I was within myself, within the unidentified feelings that continuously changed within myself.
Who I was for myself as a feeling of my physical body, was thus not the feeling of love or the feeling of hatred, but the feeling of « guilt » which became Who I was as the feeling sensation of my physical body within my mind.
My home as the space where I was allowed to express a free expression of myself, was and became my mind through my relationship with my mother = as the mind was a reflection of the « freedom » experienced when I was within the company of my mother. My mind was thus my home, and it was thus the space where I allowed myself to express myself within my self. I did not allow to express myself within my body, for i did not allow the sensation of myself as my body to enter the protected realms that I had created within my mind. I rejected my body and it’s sensations of myself, because I rejected the pain that my body told of who I was as being abused, for I did not accept the pain that this sensation made me remember of my self – I did not accept the feeling that came whenever I was deemed guilty of something by my father, which served as an allowance for him to act the way he did (I first wrote die instead of did as i was typing this = this equals that that concept of self as the feeling of guilt as died within me) towards me.
What the mind became to me, was thus an escape of the body as myself, for the body has myself informed me through the mind, that I was guilty of something. However, being that I didn’t know of what I was guilty of at first, I naturally associated that feeling of guilt to all that I knew of being within myself, which was simply knowing that I was myself. Thus, the primary association I had within as myself within my mind as the physical internalized feeling sensation of myself, was that I was the feeling of guilt = was that my body equated entirely to the same exact feeling that I experienced when within the presence of an authority figure in my world = father. Since that feeling was and could not be grasped within it’s expression, I selected the degree to which that feeling expressed itself within me, which was in direct relationship to the degree to which I experienced my self freedom when within the presence of my mother.
The more my mother « loved » me, the more I went deep into the feeling of « guilt » as a representation of my physical body. That extremity of the feeling of guilt, was « given » to me through the physical abuse of my father towards me, whereas the most extreme point of guilt through the pain my relationship with my father made me experience which correlated through opposition with the most extreme point of freedom through the freedom that my relationship with my mother made me experience, became the self-definition I had of myself as the physical body – meaning that the self-definition of my self within my mind became the extreme point of freedom that I experienced when with my mother where the most extreme point of guilt became the self-definition of my self within my body.
I naturally wanted to « hide » away and flee from my body as it made me experience extreme pain, while my mind made me experience extreme freedom. Isolating myself with my mind, my body got neglected from within my awareness, where I was only aware of the mind and it’s programming while the body became gradually unconscious to my awareness. However, my body continued to express itself, and what I have associated as the extreme feeling of guilt as the self-definition of my physical body, compounded itself within my physical body every time i experience a feeling of « guilt » whatsoever, so as to reinforce that feeling of being « guilt » within my body, for I have chosen to reinforce the feeling of « freedom » within my mind. The duality was thus born, and thus I was held captive within my mind through my own allowance.
Going back to my dream, what happened recently was that I was told by a friend of mine that I was ugly, which had reactivated that feeling of guilt which had compounded within myself throughout the years as it related to that which I physically was, but didn’t want to live/express/experience/admit because of the feeling of guilt that it was related to within my mind. As I sought to flee that feeling throughout my life, I sought to flee what I was physically, since it was my physical body alone which was subject to pain and suffering, while the mind remained free of all sorts of pain, as long as I would maintain it’s power/presence/belief over me.
This event, however, instigated a profound realisation within me, which allowed me to express what I have expressed of myself within this document, as an example, without any sense of feeling or sensations related to the « guilt » as my physical body, that has been stored within my physical for what it seems like forever. The reason why this feeling doesn’t manifest itself within me within this particular point of myself as myself, is because I have completely accepted that feeling as me = I have completely accepted that feeling as being true, which includes all the « mind points » which are in relation to that feeling of « guilt » within me. I realised that I maintained that feeling of guilt as my physical body, because I maintained the belief that my physical was a mistake within my mind. The belief that my physical was a mistake within my mind, first came through the actions of my father towards me and then extended itself to all who projected an authoritative stance towards me – be it the society or any one who presented themselves as authoritative of me meaning, as authors of myself meaning, as those who told me who I am which, in essence, is everyone. Thus, I internalized within my living breathing cells, the mind construct that I was guilty meaning, that the what guilty is as an experience, is equal and one with the identity of the self as the physical breathing cells within which I internalized that « guilt » sensation. My cells, composing my body, became thus the withholders of what I defined myself to be as a language that they understood. Cells do not understand the mind, cells do understand the « feeling » sensations of « sound vibrations ». Thus, the « sound vibrations » that I internalized within myself, was the « sound vibrations » of « guilt » and « shame », which in itself was the sound expressed as the vibration within myself, whenever I experienced a moment of « guilt » as a movement of « inner compression » within myself.
I thus compressed my « sound expression » in order to « crystallise » that sound expression as a « physical » representation of my « inner self » to my « inner awareness of self ». Thus, within, I answered only to the « sound vibration » which equated to what my expression equated within my mind. My mind, in order to seek protection of my self, created a delusion of my reality, where it converted the suffering into a feeling of « imagined thus illusionary freedom », so that I would be able to « get » what I « desired/wanted » which was « everything and anything » other than the « suffering » I experienced while entering this body through conscious awareness. My mind became my space of escape, where I allowed myself to experience what « I wanted » which was « anything and everything than what I am in actuality » = my physical.
Within that moment of having been told that I was ugly for an nth time, I realised the futility in trying to hide myself from what I am in all actuality. That my attempts were futile in trying to hide myself, first through my hat – which was for me a tool allowing me to hide the physical attributes of myself that had generated a lot of pain as « guilt » as the physical referent of pain within my cells – from the negative judgment of others, made me realise that it was absolutely no use for me to try to hide myself from myself any longer = that I had to actually start showing myself for who I am to others, or to the authoritative (= those who define who I am through their eyes as I cannot actually see my physical self from the outside) figures of my world even though that would equate to the reactivation of the feeling of « guilt » as myself that I have programmed within my cells as a definition of myself. The placement of my hat allowed me to remain oblivious to that « programmed » feeling of my physical body, since my hat changed the physical aspect of my « face » so that it would generate feelings which were relevant to the idea of freedom I have enclosed myself within my mind = my hat allowed me to keep holding onto the belief that I was my mind and all that it held as « good » feeling sensations of myself, experienced as a vast empty space where the freedom of my self expression was allowed.
Through the realisation of the still constant presence of that compounded feeling of guilt within myself, came the realisation that I couldn’t hide from myself any longer, that I had to face that fear at all cost for that fear wouldn’t just go away, since that fear was as much me as the identity I held unto within my mind, as the personality that I have designed for myself.
What I told myself thus, was that I had to explore that « feeling » of guilt, without « giving into it » = without believing that it was me, through the refusal of believing that I was the mind, for one is allowing the other. That feeling stayed with me, but instead of just wallowing into it, I started exploring it through admitting to myself to express it towards others. Through this, I allowed myself to face my fears by validating the presence of that feeling, by saying to others firstly that I was in fact ugly – or that I was in fact that which i fear the most of being as the physical body/as the « guilt » sensation, and not allowing myself to see otherwise and fall into the support that others tried to reactivate within me, as the confinement of my self expression within the support of the ego = the mind.
Thus, I expressed to others as myself as those who are the « authoritative figures of me » = as those who defines me, that I was in fact ugly and that I had in fact the traits that could be perceived and judged by others through the same value system within my mind, as being ugly. Through this, came a will to experience and live that « guilt » emotion/feeling, that spiralled my sense of self ever so downward within the depths of my body/cells. Within this, all the desires of any other will than to explore that feeling/sensation, were laid to rest and refused by my awareness as self, for I was decided to integrate myself to my body, as the fullness of me which held unto the feeling sensations of the sufferings I have physically experienced throughout my life. The value judgement of beauty or ugly was irrelevant, for I understood through realisation of myself, that the will associated with those values originated from the mind, which I was absolutely confident of not being. Thus I delved within myself until I reached a point of saturation.
Then, without trying to avoid that feeling, I came upon the lesson 9 10 and 11 of the SRA program. Something caught my attention, particularly concerning the SRA lesson 9, where it was suggested and explained to how to do pie charts. This, to me, was a blessing in disguise, for at the moment, all I wanted was to explore each and every single points of my physical, so that I would get aware of my self as my physical in totality = without any sense of judgment or emotions towards myself.
What was proposed through the lessons was to write points related to specific actual physical aspects of my life, within the context of charting the actual living expression of my self within the physical = not the mind. Thus, I started with the lesson. I wrote down the points, which came in spades, that I associated with the different Pies of the pie chart actual. As I was writing the points down, many feelings resurfaced to my awareness, within which other points opened themselves up to me. As I was exploring, and being that I was still within the feeling sense of my physical body towards my self = « guilt », a freedom of writing automatically expressed itself to me, as I was no longer within the influence of the « freedom » of self as defined by the mind, but within the forgotten natural freedom of the body as the expression of life.
Thus, I wrote freely, all that I came up, without trying to hide or to shy away from pieces of information which would destabilise me. Because I was already within the mindset of the acceptance of all that I refused of myself as the feelings which were related to the truth of me as related to what I tried to hide away from all my life = being ugly, there were no resistances while I was writing everything down.
Within this process, I came upon the realisation that all that I was within my physical body, was, in essence, all the pain that I have experienced directly by myself or indirectly by proxy, throughout my life, meaning that absolutely nothing of my physical body was actually « good » feelings sensations, for all that my body stored was the extension of the most basic association I’ve made when entering this world, which is « pain ».
Being pain in principle, I allowed myself within my pain without trying to hide or shy away from it, for I knew in essence, that it was the truth of me as the « bad » of me, in contrast to all that my mind mustered as the « good » of me, which were, from the perspective of my body, « bad » for I have deemed my body as being bad and therefore, unconsciously associated all of my bad experiences to each and every single cells of my body.
Exploring myself, I reached a point where I knew where all this was leading me, without having to necessarily write each and every single points that each and every single cells held about me. There was a sense of knowing the path that I had undertaken, and with that came an absolute sense of not going back to how I was before = going back to the mind. I thus explored and explored until I came upon the total realisation that I was feeling « guilty » for being me, because I have unconsciously identified my self as my body as the feeling which « guilt » encompasses. « Guilt » within my mind, was a concept that pointed to a feeling that was at the core of my being, ever since I first expressed myself within this world. Although I was not conscious of the meaning of the word ( i was going to write « world » instead of word indicating to me that « guilt » is the primary reason why the world is the way it is) guilt, I was conscious of the feeling I had then, even without the ability to compartmentalize the feeling within the mind as the word « guilt ». In fact, that feeling was ingrained as the first feeling sensation of the world I had when I was born into this world, which automatically unconsciously associated that feeling with the first « information » of myself as I entered the physical body. I thus became « guilt » as an unconscious feeling which related to my primary sense of self and thus from then on, became the construction of my identity through that feeling as it’s foundation, where everything else was a mere reflection of that « first » feeling of self.
Thus, within what I have recently experienced of myself – through having accepted that feeling of guilt as myself, without wallowing into it – I became cognizant of all of the points that that feeling related with. Within this, a « miracle » happened, in the sense that I clearly understood the mistake I made within my first impression of this life. I clearly understood that I made a mistake in identifying myself to that feeling of guilt, for that feeling of guilt as an inner representation of who I was, was in essence, a mere reflection. I am not a reflection, but an expression complete within itself = not a reflection of an expression, but the entirety of the expression as the physical body. It was not who I am in actuality, as i am in actuality a physical being which is, as itself, an unconditional expression of life meaning, an entity which is not a feeling and all of it’s expansions within self = all of the thoughts, emotions and sensations which are generated from the « belief » of being that feeling.
Thus, within that realisation, I affirmed with all of my « guilt » = from the point of being one and equal to that « guilt » in it’s totality, that I didn’t accept and allowed myself to believe that I was that « guilt ». That it was absolutely absurd to believe that I was that guilt as I was within the point of realisation that I was the manifested expression of the physical body, unbound to any of it’s inner constructs through the mind.
Thus, going back to my dream, what was expressed to me through it’s symbolism, especially through the symbolism expressed by the presence of the « dark eyed queen » and the « white eyed queen », was a reflection of that inner dichotomy within myself, where the « white eyed queen » represented the mind and the « dark eyed queen » represented the rejected feelings of myself stored within my physical body. I completely discarded the belief of being « guilty » of being life, for that is the guilt that was at the core of my being – guilt which was later reinforced through the experiences with my father and later through the experiences with the authority figures in my world. I felt guilty of being life, thus I internalized that guilt within and as my physical body. By realising the absolute stupidity into believing that I should be guilty of being life, meaning that I should feel as if I have committed an offence by simply living, I released myself from the hold of this construct through the realisation that life is life and that it is absolutely nonsensical to claim that life is an offence in itself, for it is absolutely impossible for life to be perceived as an offence in the first place, unless there is a construct at the « first place » which connects life’s expression with the feeling of guilt. That construct is an illusion in and of itself, for it is an impossibility of life, unless one believes that what is within is truer than what is without = duality.
Thus, within my dream, the realisation that the « dark eyed queen » wasn’t capable of poisoning me through her sting and with the vision after being stung by the « dark eyed queen » of seeing the liquid disperse itself within my life’s vitality fluids with no avail, absolutely confirmed to me of the effectiveness of my realisation through my application.
Also, from the « white/blue eyed queen’s » perspective, the scientist that showed me the technology that they planned on using upon the « dark eyed queen opposition » projected attempts at their kingdom – where the experience was shown to me through the infusion of the chemical as the technology which they planned on using upon the other faction – revealed the point within me as the word within the aquarium, which was subject to instil « movements » within the water of the aquarium as the technique that would be used to « submerge » the opposition within the « waters of the ocean as the life force fluids within self », guaranteeing the « white/blue eyed queen’s kingdom avail » towards the « black » projected onslaught. The word within the aquarium was the word within self within which the liquid as a variation of the « guilt emotion », would be infused so as to generate movement within the waters so as to « submerge » = compound, the « dark-eyed queen » back within the depths of the ocean as the life force’s fluids.
Both sides had their strategy to win this war, while I was only projected as being an observer of the events. However, when the dark queen infused her poison within me, by noticing by herself the now futility of her poison, I was then the one in power within this war, as my invulnerability to the « poison » as the « feeling of guilt » didn’t affect me whatsoever. To this, the queen screamed in frustration and ordered all of her servants to flee the scene, to which later were revealed to be « alien organic beings » within the bodies of the « human form entities » within the dream.
Being on the shore, disabling the « aliens » with the « water » coming out of the gun, indicated to me that I now held full responsibility of my self allowances. That I now reclaimed the power that I had given to them, through their « chemicals » ultimately designed to keep me under the impression that they were the ones able to save the situation I was in = that they had the power over me.
The dream indicated a profound change in me, a change where I now am fully in tune with who I really am as the physical body.
Nothing will erase itself by itself within what I have accepted and allowed to be my future through the allowances of my past however. Thus I now have to live those changes in actual practical self-movement, without ever going back to the tools = « technology portrayed within my dream » which I have previously used in order to maintain the belief that I was subject to a force greater or other than who I am as life.
I have now stopped nurturing this system (I typed ssystem at first, indicating to me the slight influence of the “snakes as the reptilian” within).
The mind is stopped.
The body is awake.
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