Today, rather than doing self-forgiveness (which I will do consequentially tomorrow, that is, I will write my self-forgiveness statements regarding what I am about to discuss here tomorrow) I will write about a particular concern that has crept through my awareness recently. The problem that I am facing within myself concerning the dynamics of the thoughts that are busy occurring within my mind, concerns the fact that I have noticed a great difference within my expression in relation to how I expressed myself prior to the moment where I have been hospitalised for treatment of my, apparently ostensible, bipolar disorder (*according to the medical profession).
So, the problem I’ve been experiencing recently as I was saying, concerns the fact that I am not as fluent within my verbal expression as I was prior to the moment where I have been hospitalised, the hospitalisation of which started in June of last year (2011). What I have noticed in particular that is generating concern within my expression, is that I have a hard time pronouncing the words that I intend to express whenever I am “caught” within a conversation with another being. I have to say though, that I am not as invested in communication as I was in previous years, as I have been living alone in my apartment ever since April of this year, as my then housemate decided to go and live elsewhere. So, I’ve noticed that I have much more difficulties expressing myself as I had in the past, whereas I have specifically noticed a significant change in my expression ever since I started talking medication in order to “treat” my condition.
This situation is generating concerns within the “mind chatter” that goes on within the secrets of my secret mind, where I most often than not, see myself engaging in conversations within myself, where I am depreciating the person that I am today, in contrast to the person that I was prior to my hospitalisation. You see, before being hospitalised, I was known as being a person who had “its ways with words”, meaning that I was fluent within the expression of myself verbally through words, where I used sophisticated words in order to describe the things that I was describing to others.
However, the dynamics within my brain have considerably changed since the time where I started being medicated in Autumn of last year (2011). I experience/feel myself as being so entangled within the effects of the medication that is ordained for me to take, that I have lost touch with that “self-expression” that was prominent within my being prior to the time where I started taking the medication. So, what I am currently expressing of myself whenever I am within a conversation with another, is somewhat the “shadow” of what I once was within my expression. I am now not as fluent as I was before when I express myself verbally with others, where I frequently find myself looking for words that would have otherwise been instantaneously realised in the past. I often find myself discussing with myself within my own mind prior to moments where I feel the impulsion to say something to another, where I tell myself things like “I better not talk because of the fact that I have so much difficulty in my expression recently” or “I better not talk because I cannot seem to remember the word that I am trying to express within what I impulsively want to convey”.
So you see, this situation has brought my self-expression within a layer of self-doubt that I haven’t experienced within myself before, and all of this self-doubt has been created since I began taking my medication this past Autumn (2011). So, I am currently very much concerned and doubtful about myself within my expression when I am within a situation where I am brought to express myself verbally with another. And it’s bothering me to the nth level.
I will write my self-forgiveness statements regarding this situation of mine within my next post tomorrow.