Yesterday, I was supposed to do an activity with a girl that I met last Sunday. I was expecting to do something with her since she told me that she wanted to see me again, and do something with me at another occasion, in another context than that of our first date. After telling me that she had to go to a city which is about 2hours and a half drive from where I live from last Monday to yesterday (Wednesday), she told me that she wanted to do something with me when she would come back from the city, which was yesterday.

 

So, yesterday, I waited for her phone call but she never called. This situation left me feeling emotionally hurt since I thought that she hadn’t been honest with me after our first date, where she left me to believe that she was interested in pursuing our relationship. When the date ended, she was the one who first told me that she was interested in seeing me again – to which I emotionally reacted through feeling elated inside myself, since I honestly thought then that she was interested in me for having told me that she wanted to see me again.

 

So, since the call never came yesterday, and since I haven’t received any feedback from her since our last date, I started to turn and churn within my own mind within thoughts of insecurity towards and within myself. Thoughts of being rejected and of having been fooled by her came up within my mind, which made me feel depressed almost all of the evening and a bit of today.

 

I’ve had a lot of troubles accepting who I am physically throughout my life, mainly because of experiences that I lived through when I was a teenager which made me believe that I would never be able to have a girlfriend in my life because of my physical appearance – as I have been told many times that no girl would fall in love with me because of how I look. Even though I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life, I am still conflicted by this same belief and impression that I am unwanted by the opposite sex.

 

So, since she told me that she was interested in me, and since I truly sensed that it was probably true, considering the way she looked at me and how she laugh throughout our first date, I had high expectations with regards to building a long lasting relationship with her. However, the expectations that I have built met a wall yesterday since she hadn’t followed on her words in regards to what she told me that she would do after our first date.

 

This situation has reawakened slumbering demons within me, where thoughts filled with negatively charged energies brought me to feel depressed about myself and my situation in life – where I started thinking that I was doomed to be alone in my life because of the lingering impression that I am unwanted by the members of the opposite sex.

 

So, since I allowed myself to participate and be caught as a prisoner of my mind’s interpretation and impressions of myself in regards to the opposite sex because of her “silence” towards me – I will write out self-forgiveness statements so as to release myself from this “mind pattern” that kept me prisoner of my own mind.

 

Self-forgiveness statements:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl that I met last Sunday, was truly interested in me because of having taken her words as true, where she told me that she was interested in seeing me again after our first date – and that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the creation of scenarios within my mind, where I imagined myself being with her; where I imagined myself having sexual activities with her; where I imagined scenarios where I believed that the time of my celibacy was finally over – only to allow myself to be eventually deceived if those scenarios were not to be made true, which is what I have started to realise recently, as I haven’t received any feedback from her since our date last Sunday. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel energetically drained today because of not having received any feedback from her, where I expected and hoped that she would explain to me a plausible reason for her lack of communication in my regards – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations towards her because of what she told me in the end of our date last Sunday – instead of stopping myself from participating within the mind as expectations, through me having stopped myself from entertaining the thoughts, emotions and feelings in regards to what I BELIEVED her to express towards me, which was that she was apparently interested in me – and that if I am to see myself move or about to move within the mind through expectations, that I am to immediately stop myself from participating within the thusly mind generated scenarios, through the realisation that what occurs within the mind is NOT REAL and that it is my responsibility not to participate within the mind as the mind only sells ILLUSIONS – and that if I am to see myself participate within the illusions as the mind’s interpretation towards something or someone, that I am to immediately stop myself from participating within the mind, through the tools of BREATHING, so as to remind myself that I AM HERE as the physical as life, and not THERE within the mind where illusionary ideas and conceptions about reality are held as “true”, to apply the tool of writing so as to see myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind; self-forgiveness; self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to stop myself from participating within the patterns of the mind which holds me captive within a delusion and illusionary fantasy world, and rebirth myself as LIFE through the common sense realisation that we are the physical as life and not the mind as illusion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed for not having received any feedback from the girl that I met last Sunday, because of having accepted and allowed myself to participate within an elated feeling after I met the girl last Sunday, because of having been led to believe that she was interested in seeing me again – to which I interpreted as a sign that she liked me, to which I emotionally responded through me feeling elated within myself because of the fact that she made me believe that a girl was finally interested in me – instead of stopping myself from participating within the polarity manifestation of the mind, such as a positive feeling or negative feeling within me, and that if I am to see myself move or about to move within a mind generated feeling, whether positive or negative, that I am to immediately stop myself from participating further within my mind, through the application of the tools of breathing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, so as to stop myself from the automated pattern of participating within my mind’s interpretation of reality, and rebirth myself as life as the physical, so as to act towards changing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the limited mind, and realise ourselves as life as the physical, so that we can bring dignity into our world where life is being taken for granted.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel elated within myself after having been told by the girl that I met last Sunday, that she was interested in seeing me again, whereas I have accepted and allowed myself to feel elated within myself because of the fact that the worlds that the girl spoke in my regards, went against the belief that I still hold within my mind that “I can’t have a girlfriend because of not being attractive enough” – instead of stopping myself from participating within the elated feeling within me, through me feeding and nurturing the feeling through me allowing myself to think and generate many scenarios within my mind where I projected myself in the company of the girl, where I allowed myself to feed the elated feeling within me – instead of stopping myself from participating within this feeling through the realisation that such an allowance only allows the occurrence of the opposite side of this feeling within myself, which is depression, if what I was brought to believe revealed itself to not be true – and that if I am to see myself move or about to move within a feeling of elation towards what someone tells me, that I am to immediately stop myself from participating within such mind constructs through the tools of writing, breathing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, so as to completely stop myself from participating within the patterns of the mind, and change so as to re-align myself towards the physical as that which is truly life, so as to stop being controlled by my thoughts, emotions and feelings so that I remain stable no matter what happens around me, and become a responsible human being in this world which acts in order to change the nature that we have become so as to act within the interest of all life instead of only my own.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am and will always be rejected by the members of the opposite sex in my life, because of apparently having been rejected by the girl that I met last Sunday, because of the fact that I haven’t got any feedback from her after our date, after she had helped generating the expectation that there was a probable future between us – instead of stopping myself from participating within the belief that “I will always be rejected by the member of the opposite sex because of my appearance”, through me applying the tools of breathing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to stop myself from participating within such thoughts/feelings/emotions when they emerge within me, and re-align myself to who I am as life as the physical, which is not bound to any mind constructs.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being with the girl that I met last Sunday, whereas I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the thoughts of me having sexual activities with the girl and general thoughts of being with the company of the girl, where I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the positively charged feelings and emotions that are linked to those thoughts, rather than stopping myself from participating within such mind generated energies through the use of breathing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to release myself from the grasp that the mind holds within me, and return to who I am HERE within the awareness of the physical as life.

 

I will continue on this point tomorrow.