I have been diagnosed as being bipolar ever since 2003, where I then experienced my first psychosis. There are a lot of self imposed definitions that came from that diagnosis when I was 25 years old. Today, I have to live with the hinderance of medication since I have been court ordered to take medication. I will do self-forgiveness on the beliefs that I have associated with the medication that I take to treat my bipolar disorder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need medication in order to equilibrate my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the meditation that I take are slowing my mind down as that is what I have been told by the psychiatrist in regards to the antipsychosis medication that I have to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the “slowing down of the mind” that I experience while taking the medication as the antipsychosis drug that I am imposed to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to end my life because of having to take medication for the next 3 years as ordered by the court within which I fear having to live as a dumbed down version of what I am through the dumbing down effects of the medications upon my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to live as a dumbed down version of myself because of the belief that if I am to be “less than who I was” prior to the time where I was medicated, that life will be too difficult for me to handle because of not being able to express myself the same way as before because of the “expression blocking inducing effects” of the medication that I am forced to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through the filter of the medication through the belief that the medication do in fact slow the processes of my self-expression down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the medication take effect upon my mind as the effect of me being slowed down through the processes of my self-expression as the medicated effects of the medication that i am forced to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to die because of having been imposed to live the next 3 years through the experienced difficulties of self-expression that I currently experience because of the medication that is acting within my body/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to live through the inherent difficulties that the medication imposes upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to kill myself because of not living the life that I want to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confusion within my mind as I am expressing myself when within the influence of the medication because of the belief that the medication has an effect upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the medication have an effect upon my expression from within which I allowed myself to want to kill myself because of the excuse as the effect of the medication that it has limited my self-expression which makes me feel uncomfortable being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable being me because of living as the effects of the socially imposed medication from within which I feel as if I am but a shadow of what I was before.

Yesterday, I went and had a midnight walk in a field next to a house I lived in when I was 25 years old, which was the year where I experienced my first experience of manic energy, from within which I developed the condition of bipolarity as a defined mental illness.

 

As I was walking down the field, memories and surges of feeling energies came rushing back into my mind whereas I remembered within the rushing movements that was busy occurring within my mind, all of my significant experiences that I lived/experienced when I had the habit of going into that field when I was 25 years old. In my mind, there was this rush of many different emotions and feelings and thoughts that all came back to my conscious awareness from within which I could experience almost to the exact feelings, every significant moments that I had ever lived when going to that field in my past. I remembered almost all of the dialogues that I had with myself when I went to that “special place” that I had defined as being my “fortress of solitude” such as the name that was given to the place of resourcing for the fictional character of “superman”.

 

There were many significant experiences from within which I had built the belief of being a being of light/energy that came back to my awareness, and I could actually feel the same feelings of being overwhelmed with positive energy that I had the habit of reinforcing when I went to that specific location for meditation purposes in my past. I remembered all the times that I spent alone in that “special” location, where I used to talk to the trees, plants, stars and the universe wherein I believed myself as being a messenger from the “central sun” – such as the “central sun” that was defined in a “light worker” book that I read at the time, where it was suggested that the center of the galaxy as the “central sun” would eventually directly change life on earth through a “beam of light” that would impact earth so as to change life into a life that was worth living for – and that my purpose in life was to “inform all of humanity” of the “messages of light” that were coming from the center of the galaxy.

 

Needless to say that I was deeply fucking with myself within the beliefs that I was enforcing within myself for the purpose of complying with my desires to be “more than” what I saw myself as being, which was this tiny human being in face of the immensity of the universe. Thus, without proper wisdom and common sense, I delved deeply into the belief that I was a being of light and that my purpose in life was to prepare others through me being a messenger of the central sun, as was explained within some of the “light worker” books that I was reading at the time. The extent to which I fucked with myself became obvious through the “mental condition” that I developed through that desire of being equal to that of a being of light/high energy, which eventually brought me to develop the condition of bipolarity, such as I have explained in my previous posts.

 

Self-forgiveness on being a “light worker”:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a being of light/energy, because of having been influenced by a testimony that I read when I was 25 years old about the near death experiences that a man had where he described his experience as being within the realms of light/energy wherein he was brought to realise that everything was made of light/energy and that his/our purpose was to create as much light/energy as possible so that the universe would be fed by light/energy throughout existence, instead of realising the absolute separation towards physicality as life within such a testimony, whereas it was only the realm of the finite mind as illusion that was being experienced by the man and not the real and infinite realm of physicality as life – and that from within this testimony, that I have completely fucked myself up into the belief that our origins as beings were that of being made of light/energy, that has generated such experiences of manic energy within and as myself because of wanting/desiring to comply to that belief through me accumulating as much positive energy as possible so as to “give” that energy to the universe as statements of who and what I am so as to fulfill the “life’s goal” of giving as much energy/light as possible to the universe that I was brought to believe was the goal of all living things within this world.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from participating within the accumulation of positive energy as the mind ever since that experience of me reading the testimony that the man made about his near death experience, because of the belief that my goal was to accumulate as much positive energy as possible so as to be able to make the universe even more of and as “light/energy”, instead of realising that all throughout that time where I accumulated positive energy as the mind, that I was only furthering the enslavement of myself to consciousness whereas I have created such conditions as being/becoming bipolar, wherein the energy that I experienced within and as myself as the total accumulation of positive energy within and as my mind became so extensive that I actually became one and equal to the “god consciousness” wherein I believed and perceived myself as being equal and one to the “god consciousness” because of the “never before experimented amount of positive energy” that I eventually experienced within and as myself as the mind, while under the delusion of building as much as positive energy as possible so as to comply to the “life’s goal” that I believed was the most fundamental goal of all living beings through the reading of the man’s testimony, so as to make the universe expand within and as what it essentially was, which I believed it to be of light/energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the accumulation/gaining of as much positive energy as possible ever since the time where I read the man’s near death testimony, wherein I would deliberately participate within sessions of meditation which were designed to build as much positive energy as possible so as to become a being of light/energy as such was what I believed myself as essentially being through the reading of the man’s near death experience, instead of realising that through me accepting and allowing myself to build as much positive energy as possible, that I was thus only suppressing more and more the negative energies within and as my physical body and that I was thus only furthering the system of polarity as the enslavement of the physical towards and within the confines of the limited mind, rather than stopping myself from participating within the polarity games of the mind through the tools of BREATHING, self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to become one and equal to what I truly essentially always was and am, which was/is the manifestation of life eternal HERE within and as the physical body as all as one as equal as Life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the delusion of being a being of light/energy, have created a “special bond/relationship” towards a field that was/is located next to the house where I lived at, at the time where I read the man’s near death’s testimony, whereas I have defined that location/spot as being “my fortress of solitude” wherein I saw myself as being like “superman” and that that “special location” was the place where I would go to resource myself within the accumulation/gaining of positive energy as the nature which surrounded me, much like the “fortress of solitude” of the fictional character of “superman” – instead of realising that all I was busy doing within the times where I went to that “special place” as the field which was located next to the house where I lived at at the time, was to accumulate/build emotional relationships/ties towards that specific place and the environmental elements that were/is within that place, such as the trees that I then perceived as being beings of light within which existed a mystical wisdom that was being shared with me when I went to that specific location for meditation/resourcing of myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that all I was busy doing while I went to that specific location/spot, was to reinforce my emotional bond/relationship/ties to that physical location, whereas the mere thought of that place has generated feelings of longing/nostalgia because of the emotional/energy experiences that I experienced while I went to that specific place, which only enslaved me further within the systems of the mind, such as the emotions/feelings connected to that area, instead of stopping myself from participating within such games of the mind as the emotions of longing and nostalgia through the use of BREATHING, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to completely stop myself from participating within the mind as illusions and bring myself back HERE as who I truly am as life as the physical, all as one as equal as all living beings, so that I can really become an example to all of what it is to be a responsible human being who behaves in ways which are best for all life, such as me sorting myself out through the DIP program and to support organisations such as the Equal Money System in order to bring about a world which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was a messenger from the “central sun” wherein my purpose in life was to inform all of humanity of the impending change that would eventually happen on earth, through the “messages” that I believed were coming from the “central sun” through my influences generated through the reading of a “light worker” book from within which it was explained that the “central sun” would eventually send a beam of light towards earth so as to change life in order to bring about a new dimension of earth, such as allowing earth to ascend to another dimension – from within which I perceived myself as being a being of light which purpose was to prepare humanityas a messenger for the change that was to come, and also to prepare myself to go into the higher dimensions where the new earth would manifest itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate overwhelming feelings of positive energy when I went to the “special field” that was next to my house when I was 25 years old, wherein I would spend enormous amounts of time meditating and spelling out mantras so as to align myself to the high frequencies of light, such as the frequencies of light I imagined as being the frequencies from within which operated the beings of light I was busy reading about from within my books and websites which revolved specifically around such beings – instead of realising that through me accepting and allowing myself to participate within such meditative practices which had the purpose of building and building and building and accumulating and accumulating and accumulating enormous amounts of positive energies, would only further my enslavement to the disease of the mind, as I was thus simultaneously building and building and building and accumulating and accumulating and accumulating enormous amounts of negative energies within and as my subconscious mind – in order to balance out all of the positive energies that I was busy accumulating within my consciousness – which eventually manifested within deep experiences of depression where I thought of killing myself because of the overwhelming amout of negative energy that eventually made itself aware within and as my consciousness. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that through me accepting and allowing myself to participate within the accumulation of positive energy, that I was instantaneously accepting and allowing myself to participate within the accumulation of negative energy because of the common sense equation that one doesn’t come without the other, as it is the foundation of the polarity games of the mind, which only enslaved me further within the disease of the mind as separation – instead of stopping my participation within such a disease as the polarity games of the mind, through me simply BREATHING so as to return to who I am HERE within and as self-honesty as the breath as life, equal and one with who I truly am as the physical as life HERE, instead of running away from who I am HERE within the delusion of meditation and spiritual practices which only reinforces the delusion of being equal and one with the mind as our absolute identity, while our absolute identity is simply who we are HERE as the physical as all as one as equal, within the principle of oneness and equality as life.

 

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate within such games of mind polarity such as the accumulation of positive energy through meditations, through the realisation that as long as I accept and allow myself to participate within the mind as games of polarity, that I automatically accept and allow myself to participate within energy as the mind which abuses/misuses substance as myself through the consumption of the physical as life for the own sustenance/survival of myself as finite Energy – to which I am ultimately not, as who I am is one and equal with the physical as life eternal, wherein there is NO ENERGY which controls who I am as the physical.

 

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty, write daily in my blog so as to become a living example to others as what it is to be a responsible human being which acts for the interest of what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for everyone, Equal and One with all living beings.

 

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the reaction of “sensing energy swell up within me” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage in for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

 

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of a light/energy being, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the personality arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the personality game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in personality as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about myself as the feeling/experience of light/positive energy, through the use of thoughts and emotions, learned ideas and beliefs about the human condition, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and breathing – to stop the desires and stop the frictions/judgments/blame/spite within and as me and so allow me to express myself unconditionally for the first time.

 

 

 

See these blogs:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life blogs

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

And check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my  “pt” because of the concern of protecting my own self-interest in not taking the “mn” that he “pd” to me, whereas the act of me acting upon my self-interest of not taking the “mn” is not a “bad” thing as it is me taking a stand for what I accept and allow myself to ingest/take within my human physical body whereas I am the authority of me in my world and the fact of me experiencing negative experiences while taking the “mn”, such as the feeling of drowsiness/comatose/sleepiness that overcomes me when I do take the “mn”, is enough for me to know that the substance that my  “pt” has “pd” to me in order to treat my condition, is not good for me – within which I have decided not to take the “mn” “pd” to me by my  “pt” because of those negative effects within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience negative energies within and as myself when I do take the “mn”, whereas I experience the feelings/sensations of drowsiness/sleepiness/comatose/zombie-like/confusion within myself because of the unconscious relationship as the chemical responses that my mind exercises through the intake of the “mn”, as my mind is still unconsciously manipulated by such substances so as to change the chemical responses within the activities of my brain, instead of stopping such unconscious reactions through me going into the depths of my mind constructs and stop those reactions through the tools of self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so as to stop myself from reacting within the unconscious chemical reactions which generates those negative energetic experiences that operates whenever I do take the “mn”. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously/subconsciously react through and as the modified chemical responses within and as my brain whenever I do take the “mn”, whereas I believe/perceive myself as being powerless within the fact that I seemingly do not have control of the chemical responses/reactions that operates within my brain as I take the “mn”, since those responses/reactions operates within the depths of my unconscious/subconscious mind, instead of realising that I do have power and control over the chemical reactions/responses that occurs within and as my brain when I take the “mn”, because of being the creator of everything as myself, which includes the reactions/responses that are operated within and as all of the different layers of mind, such as the unconscious, subconscious and conscious mind, and that in order for me to change/stop the chemical reactions that operates within the depths of my unconscious and subconscious minds, that I have to work/look even deeper within myself as what I have unconsciously accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind, through the tools of self-investigation, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy within myself when I answered the question that my “ne” asked me in orer to know if I did/do take my “mn”, whereas I felt uneasy/uncomfortable within myself because of me lying to the “ne” through me saying that I did/do take the “mn” while this was/is false – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself because of having lied to my “ne”, whereas I experienced a dichotomy as a friction within myself when I lied to my “ne” because of not being honest with the “ne” as myself and thus, experienced myself as being “dishonoured” because of allowing myself to lie to the “ne”, even if I knew that I had no other choice in the matter, as to tell the truth to my “ne” regarding the fact that I do not take the “mn” would only attract more problems for me to face with the “ml” corps/profession, as I have been issued a “ct” “or” to take my “mn” at the end of last year, whereas if I do not take the “mn” that I would have to face the dire consequence that they have reserved for me, which is to go back to the “hl” for treatment/containment, to which I do not want to happen to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the act of me lying to my “ne” is me taking a stand for myself through the statement that I do not need the “mn” in order to “heal” me, as I am absolutely confident in being able to “heal” me through my own personal application, such as through the tools of self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, whereas the dependency to the “mn” to “heal me” is only a “crutch” that doesn’t in fact “change/heal” me, but only makes me “worse” within the fact that the “mn” creates a dependency to an outside source other than myself in order to “heal/save” me, wherein nothing outside of myself will/can save/heal me, as I am the only one who created this condition as being bipolar and that I alone can change/stop this condition within myself through me not accepting and/or allowing myself to participate within energies of the mind – no “mn” necessary/allowed as this would be me stating that I cannot change/stop me from participating within the energies of the mind, which is absolutely ludicrous as I am the creator of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and because of that, that I can create a new me which isn’t addicted to energy through the tools of self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application and thus become a living example that proves to others as myself that one can change oneself without the aid of “mn” in order to become that which is best for all, as that which is best for all is best for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/spite/blame the “pt”, the “ne” and the “ml” corps/profession for trying/attempting to force myself to take my “mn” though coercion, as when I was at the “hl”, the “ne”s, guards and “pt” used physical force/abuse when they first attempted to give me the “mn” that I refused to take, whereas they physically attached me to a bed through abusing/forcing my physical body to be in a position where I would be powerless while they “id” within my body the “”ml”” substances that they obliged me to take even if without my consent. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against the “pt”s, “ne”s and “”ml”” corps for having abused me when I was staying at the “hl” last year, where I was held within seclusion for days after days because of my refusal to take the “mn” that they wanted/were adamant for me to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to detest the “hl” and the “ml” corps because of the bad experiences of abuse that I experienced when I was held “captive” within my stay at the “hl” last year, instead of realising that I am responsible for the bad experiences that I had at the “hl” through my simple acceptance and allowance of such a behaviour coming from the authority figures of this world, whereas I accept and allow myself to abuse and control those who are subservient to my power whenever I am placed in a powerful position, such as when I play games where I am winning, as I then accept and allow myself to treat others as being “less than me” in exactly the same way as what I was treated like when I was staying at the “hl”. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I do the exact same thing as those who had abused me when I was in the “hl” when I am placed in a powerful position with another, while I maybe do not use such physical abuse as I was the “victim” of when I was at the “hl”, but using abuse nonetheless within my expression/behaviour/non-verbal behaviour/attitude towards those who are not in a powerful position, such as those who are “losing” within games that I participate in with others – such as the mind games that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with others, wherein the price is the energy that one can steal/gain from another within mind games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being a victim of the “ml” corps, because of my obligation by “ct” “or” to take the “mn” that has been “pd” to me by my “pt”, instead of realising that I am the creator of that situation wherein because of my acceptances and allowances in me participating in games of winners and losers, that I thus automatically accept and allow such experiences as those of being seen as a “victim” of another’s will and that for me to stop myself from those acceptances and allowances within myself, that I have to apply the tools of self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application so that to make sure that I do not accept and allow myself to participate within such games where I feed the system of abuse as the system of the world, and bring about a new system that stands for what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for LIFE, Equal and One with all living beings.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate within such games of mind polarity such as the game of power as the gain/loss of energy that I play with other human beings, through the realisation that as long as I accept and allow myself to participate within the mind as games of power, that I automatically accept and allow myself to participate within energy as the mind which abuses/misuses substance as myself through the consumption of the physical as life for the own sustenance/survival of myself as finite Energy – to which I am ultimately not, as who I am is one and equal with the physical as life eternal, wherein there is NO ENERGY which controls who I am as the physical.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty, write daily in my blog so as to become a living example to others as what it is to be a responsible human being which acts for the interest of what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for everyone, Equal and One with all living beings.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the reaction of “feeling powerful or a victim” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage in for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of being a victim to another’s will/or, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the personality arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the personality game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in personality as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about myself as the feeling/experience of powerlessness, through the use of thoughts and emotions, learned ideas and beliefs about the human condition, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and breathing – to stop the desires and stop the frictions/judgments/blame/spite within and as me and so allow me to express myself unconditionally for the first time.

See these blogs:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life blogs

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

And check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

Yesterday, I went to my monthly check-up at the “hl”. Like I already mentioned in some of my previous posts, I have been diagnosed as being a bipolar back in the year 2003, and ever since last year, I have to go to the “hl” within monthly check-ups in order for the “pt”s and “ne”s to verify if the dosage of “mn” is right within my “bs”. So, yesterday was one of those check-ups whereas I was checked to see if the right amount of “mn” was in my “bs”.

What I have to mention regarding those check-ups is that ever since last year, I have been suggested by the “ct” to take “mn” for what the “ml” profession perceive as being for my best interest – because I have then revealed to them that I did not regularly take my “mn”. The reason for that “ct” suggestion was because of the fact that last year I experienced an emotional turmoil which sent me to the “hl” for 3 months wherein I have been issued a “ct” suggestion to take my “mn” because of behaviours which they judged as being a menace to my wellbeing and the wellbeing of others = bullshit. Within those 3 months at the “hl”, I received different dosage of “mn” in order for the “pt”s to determine what would be the best dosage for my particular case. So, it was determined before the end of my detention at the “hl” that I would have to take 2 types of “mn” to treat my “ml condition”. However, the “mn” that is given to me generates side effects that are truly hard to live with – such has feeling comatose/confused almost all of the time while under the “mn”. So, what I have decided is to not take all of the “pd” “mn” – simply because of the negative side effects of some of those “mn” like what I have just explained.

However, the problem is that in order for me to abide to the “ct” suggestion, I have to go to the “hl” in monthly appointments in order for the “ml” staff which is attributed to me to verify the amount of “mn” in my “bs”, so as to ensure that I do take my “mn”. Earlier within my firsts appointments after getting out of the “hl” last year, I remained honest when I was asked if I took my “mn” as “pd”, so as to tell the “pt”s and “ne”s what I really did with the “mn” = which was not to take all of them. The problem with this honesty towards the “ml” staff however, is that it has always backfired whereas I would be moralised by the “pt” in him telling me that I needed those “mn” in order to ensure that I would not experience another manic or depressive episode, as they are convinced that my “ml” condition can only be treated byn “mn”. This doesn’t stand with me however, since I am convinced that the simple act of self-forgiving myself through the tools given by D such as self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, is enough for me to stop myself from participating within such experiences of “mind energy” and to re-align myself with the physical so as to stand for life instead of standing for the mind as energy. What I have specifically realised recently, after having applied myself within the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, is that my tendency to participate within positive or negative energies, have been extensively diminished, as I now tend to be more calm and stable within my expression, as I now stop myself from participating within the energies that were addictive to me in the past – such as the experiences of “high energy” that I regularly experienced in the past within manic episodes.

So, since the problem that I am now faced with is that I have to take the “mn” as per the “ct” suggestion – and that the “mn” that I am forced to take generates feelings/sensations of confusion and sleepiness within my mind – and that even if I have already told the “pt” and “ne” that the “mn” is generating negative effects within me, that they wouldn’t listen to me, telling me that I have to stick with the “plan” as the act of sticking to the “”mn”” that the “pt” “pd” to me, telling me that the negative side effects would subdue with time. However, this hasn’t been the case with me whereas I still to this day, feel confused/sleepy/comatose whenever I take the “mn” that is “pd” to me. Even if I have told the “pt” and “ne” of my problems with the “mn”, they wouldn’t budge within their conviction that the “mn” is the only solution for my predicament. So, considering that they have proven to me how close minded they are wherein they do not even show signs of listening to my complaints when I am being honest with them concerning the negative side effects of my “mn”, I am now being forced to lie to them when they are asking me if I take my “mn” regularly.

The only moments where I take my “mn” are the days which are just before my “bs” check-ups, which comes at the pace of about once per month. The reason why I do so is because I am the one who is experiencing the negative side effects of the “mn” and that the “pt” have no clue of what it is that I have to go through when I take the “mn”, because he have clearly showed no signs of compassion towards my situation when it comes to take the “mn”, being only concerned with his self-interest of selling me the “pn”. They are not the authority of me, I am. So, recently, I have stopped being honest with them (“ne” and “pt”) because they do not believe that I can stop myself from living/experimenting those manic/depressive episodes, being convinced that I am powerless within this diagnostic as they keep on telling me that the problem is because of an imbalance with the chemical reactions within my brain – and that there have been no scientific proof that one can heal himself/herself without the aid of “mn”. So, they keep on trying to convince me that the “mn” are the only thing which can “save” me from my “ml” condition = bullshit.

However, that doesn’t stand with me, as I am evidently the creator of that condition within my mind and that I am absolutely aware of being the onlyone responsible for my “ml” condition, as I am the one who fuelled the manic episodes when I lived them – and that it wasn’t something that is/was out of my control as what the “ml” profession wants me to believe. So, in order for me to protect my physical body/brain from the ill side effects of the “mn” – not forgetting the fact that the “mn” that I am forced to take have other side effects than those that I have already explained such as gaining weight -, I am forced to stop being honest with them and tell them lies such as telling them that I do take my “mn” everyday – which is false as I only take them on the days which precede my “bs” check-ups.

So, the problem I am now faced with is the dichotomy that I experience within myself in face of the fact that I want to remain honest with everyone as myself, but that because of the specific situation that I am living with within my relationship with the “ml” corps – such as I have explained throughout this post – that I have to lie to them as myself because of having to protect my “ml” and physical integrity from the negative effects of the “mn”. Since they have proven to me that they absolutely do not care about what I experience and live within the effects of the “mn”, being only concerned with their self-interest as determined by their profession and their blind loyalty to it, I have decided to lie to them so that I may continue not taking the “mn”, as I now currently am in control of myself through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application. I now actually see the difference within myself within the fact that I experience energy in a much less overwhelming fashion than how I experienced energetic reactions in the past. This gives me absolute confidence that the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application are actually working/changing me for the better as to become the living example of what is best for all life = not being controlled by energy. So, this equals no “mn” for me.

I will do self-forgiveness on this point in my next blog

I will publish a re-introduction to who I am here as I have now completed my first DIP assignment where I have been asked to introduce myself. It will give further perspective on the How I have come upon the Desteni material and what happenned next as my first experience with the material. So, here goes:

So, my name is Alex Parkinson, and I have been aware of the Desteni material ever since the beginning of the year 2008. How I came into contact with Desteni was something of a coincidence, as I kind of stumbled upon a video made by sunette as I was looking for something else in youtube.

Within the month of January 2008, I was within a particular state of mind from within which I was brought to a video made by sunette on youtube. The state of mind I was in at the time made me perceive myself as being “more than myself”, wherein I was within what I later realised as being a mind possession of an energetic entity where I felt and experienced myself as being “extremely more than” what I normally was/am. I have to state that this feeling of experimenting myself as being “extremely more than” what I normally experienced myself as, was brought to my consciousness as a side effect of what I have been defined/diagnosed as being, which is bipolar – and that such an experience of myself as that of the feeling of a “extreme high energy” was a consequence of my predicament as that of being a bipolar according to the psychiatrists of this world. Ever since I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, I never really perceived myself as being ill or being defined as being bipolar, but that this definition was only the result of the assessment that a psychiatrist made of me, after having experienced a first episode of a manic experience, back in June of the year 2003. So, ever since that time, I have cyclically and regularly experienced myself as being “high” within and as the experience of me. This being probably due to the fact that I had overwhelmed myself within such an experience of high energy back in the year 2003, that it created an addiction within and as my nervous system, and that I did nothing within my power to stop such an experience within myself, as I was so enthralled within the new perspective that the “high energy” brought unto my perception of existence, that I didn’t want to let go of it. Thus it became an addiction of some sorts, but an addiction which had its own life as it came and left within cycles after having first experienced this type of manic energy in 2003.

So, this explains the mind state that I was in as I first got introduced to the Desteni material. Now, concerning the hazardous events which brought me to get to know Desteni and its message, I kind of stumbled into a video made by Sunette in youtube, as I was looking for videos about spiritual subjects – to which I do not exactly remember the specificities of. However, as I was looking for videos in youtube – probably regarding the subject of life after death but I am unsure of this – my attention was brought to a thumbnail-video which was on the side of the youtube page I was looking at at the time. I saw the face of Sunette in the thumbnail, but what really caught my attention was the subtitle that was under the thumbnail-video. I do not remember exactly what was said under the thumbnail-video, but it evidently caught my attention, as I felt the urge to view it. As I was watching the video for the first time, I remember that I have experienced within myself a feeling of liberation as if I was expanding within myself as I was watching the video. I think it was about the subject of the atlanteans, but my memory of this event is failing me, so I cannot exactly tell if it was the first video that I saw of Desteni or if it was a subsequent video that I saw later on. Needless to say that essentially, what brought me to further investigate Desteni after the first video, was directly related to the “feelings” that I experienced within myself as I was watching my first video of Sunette/the dimensions. It was thus the feelings that I experienced within myself that brought me to further my investigation on the Desteni material. So, after this first encounter with Desteni, I followed the link to the Desteni web page, which was under the domain www.desteni.co.za at the time. What followed was a descent into a deeper state of manic episode, as I was so mesmerised by what I stumbled into, that I became caught within feelings of even higher states of mind, as I was completely under the spell of the fountain of relevant information that I stumbled into at the Desteni web page.

So, I started watching and watching and watching videos made by Sunette whereas I spent entire days and even nights doing that sole task – as I was completely hypnotised by the information that was revealed by the videos about the history of man, the universe and the self as was described by Sunette within her videos. In fact, my hypnotism with the Desteni videos was so great, that at one point, I became completely obsessed by my desires to watch all of the videos that had been made by Sunette. I remember that the number of videos that Sunette made at the time, was a little bit above 900 and that I had made it a goal of mine to watch them all within the shortest time span as possible.

At one point however, my desires to watch all of the Desteni videos available, in order to get as much “spiritually” relevant information as possible became so obsessive that I was eventually forced out of my home by the police. Now, this may sound extreme but let me tell you what brought the police to intervene within this particular predicament I was in with regards to the Desteni material.

As I stated earlier, the act of watching the first few videos had opened a door within and as my mind where I became completely obsessed within the goal of watching all of the Desteni videos within the shortest time span possible. In fact, I wanted to watch the videos so badly, that I made it a goal of mine to watch in sequence, all of the 900 and + videos as in a marathon. What was particular within what followed was that my mind became like a sponge, where I metaphorically speaking, drank all of the information as if it was the fountain of spiritual/esoteric knowledge. It became so intense that I started doing what was suggested in the videos, as I went through phases where I first changed my voice as I was talking in order to talk “without any energetic consonances” as it was said within some of the videos, that we had been preprogramed by the annunaki to react to specific sounds within our verbal expression of ourselves which only furthered our enslavement to the mind. It was also suggested that this programming made by the Annunaki was so “perfect” that a solution hadn’t yet been discovered by what I believed was Jack – the dimensional being. My memory is not that clear as to the details of that fact, but I remember clearly that I brought it unto myself to find the solution in order to bypass this programming. What I thus found was to talk in monotonous fashion so that I wouldn’t reinforce this programming within myself and others as myself from within my relationship with others. So, I began speaking in monotonous tones with all those with whom I had a relationship with at the time – and I stuck to this application as long as I could, which was until the policemen intervened and brought me to the hospital in order to “check my mental stability”.

The reason why I was brought to the hospital was not exactly because of what I just explained, but it was mostly because of an even more extreme behaviour that I adopted as I watched, in sequence, as most videos that I could – or until the exact moment where the policemen removed me by force from my computer in order to place me in an ambulance. Now, the reason why the policemen forced me out of my home, was because the roommate that was living with me at the time, became extremely concerned about my wellbeing, as at one point, I was so into the idea of bypassing the programming made by the Reptilians, that I merged within my mind, personal beliefs towards what I was witnessing in the desteni videos. My mind became a bundled mess. At one point I actually believed that I had to metaphorically “restart my birth sequence” so as to purify myself from the programming made by the Reptilians. So, I followed this “idea” of restarting my birth sequence in order to purify myself whereas I went to the extremes of placing all of my belongings, which included all of my clothes, in garbage bags as I was under the influence that I had to get rid of all of that which made me relate to my past so as to start anew. So, what happened next was that I was completely naked in front of the computer screen as I was watching the remaining videos of Sunette, whereas I have placed all of my belongings in garbage bags and placed the garbage bags in the living room so as to eventually throw everything away.

As I was doing this, my roommate was seeing me do this all in front of his eyes – whereas I kept on telling him that he had to trust me, that I knew what I was doing – lol, to which I clearly wasn’t now in retrospect. So, seeing me behave in such an extreme fashion brought my roommate to call my mother for support. So my mother came and as she saw me naked in front of the computer screen, not being able to put some sense into me, she called the police wherein I was eventually brought to the hospital for treatment.

So, without going into too much more details about what happened next (as I just realised that I have written more than 4 pages already), let just say that this was my introduction to destiny and its material. Needless to say that I have since changed my views regarding my fear of what the reptilians did to us, Desteni, the process and its material, but this was actually what happened in my life as I first got introduced to Desteni.

So, I will leave it at that for now and will continue walking my process until my next assignment.

Edit: Concerning my 7 years to life process commitment, I decided on my own accord in the month of May 2012 that even if I was banned at the time from joining the Desteni community through the forum, because of my precarious past with Desteni, that I would take it unto myself to apply myself in the process even if I would not be supported in doing so. So I made the decision to commit myself to the 7 years to life process because I came under the realisation, as even if I had been banned many times in the past by Desteni because of abusive behaviours, that the Desteni message and principle was altogether the only source of practical information that was actually making common sense throughout all of the different idealogies/philosophies/books that I have read throughout all of my life. I came under that realisation because like I said, even after having been banned many times by Desteni, it’s message lingered within my mind to such an extent that I couldn’t pull myself out of the Desteni movement even as I was banned from the community, as I knew within the depths of myself, that everything that Desteni stood for was actually everything that I also stood for within myself, but that I had not yet allowed to become real within and as myself through consistent practical application. So, after continuously reading the Desteni materials throughout the time where I was banned – continuously watching videos of destonians and reading blogs – it became obvious to me that I had to apply myself at all cost, even if I was to be forever banned from the Desteni community, because it became absolutely obvious/clear to me that everything that Desteni stands for is exactly as that which Desteni claims, which is the stand for life as that which is best for all life – and that it is only me within and as what I have accepted and allwoed myeslf to be and become as the mind, that can change myself and stop my participation within the mind = no one else but myself will come and save me from myself. I actually didn’t even consider the possibility of rejoining the community when I first started with my 7 years to life blog, as all that mattered to me was to apply myself consistently through the 7 years to life process. I wanted to do this for myself as a clear and definitive statement of my commitment towards life as the physical as who we truly are, equal and one. So, I made the commitment with myself to, for the first time in my life, commit myself to myself and make a real and actual stand for life so as to live the new statement that I wanted to make of myself – which is to forever stand for that which is life and no more accept and allow myself to participate within the illusion as the mind.

Cheers,

Alex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people like me more when I am happy, wherein I would deliberately manipulate my behaviour so that I would project an image of myself as that of being happy, while being dishonest through feeling otherwise within myself, instead of realising that I am not here to make others feel better about themselves through me projecting an image of being happy, but that I am HERE to express who I am unconditionally within self-honesty so that the results of my actions would benefit all and everyone as that which is best for all life, is best for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek/desire/want others to feel better about themselves through me manipulating my expression so that I would project “high energy as myself” towards others, instead of realising the dishonesty in such expression as the expression would only be made existent in order to manipulate the feelings of others so that they could feel happy about themselves – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with the feelings of others through me exerting myself as having “high energy”, because of the desire to see others as being happy around me, even if that would mean the suppression of the self-honest expression as myself because of being manipulated by my wants/needs/desires to make others feel happy about themselves, rather than expressing myself as who I am HERE in self-honesty – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that whenever I express myself within “high energy”, that I am expressing myself as being “superior” to another which I then silently within backchat perceive as being “inferior” to myself, from within which I suppress the feeling of inferiority within myself so as to project the image of superiority towards another, instead of stopping such participation of “superiority” and “inferiority” within myself, through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others like me more when I am within the state of being manic, as the state I am in whenever I feel an excessive amount of energy within and as myself within a specific moment of self-expression, through me acting and behaving excessively within the presence of others, wherein I would exaggerate the meaning of what I would be expressing within the energetic flux and flow of my expression, instead of acting and behaving in accordance to who I am within and as stability, as the consequence of me remaining stable within and as the BREATH so that my expression becomes that of life, so that the words I speak and the expression of myself remains unhindered by energetic sub currents such as the energy that I am usually possessed of when I am within a state of manic/high energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people like me more when I have high energy, where I would take substances such as coffee only so that my expression becomes more energetic, wherein I would feel more confident about myself through communicating with another only if I would experience myself as having “high energy” such as the energy which is present within myself when I take substances such as coffee or sugar – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression so that it would carry an high amount of energy, so as to feel as being in control of the situation through the confidence that the “high energy” brings into me, instead of realising that whenever I act in accordance with my desires to express myself through “high energy”, that I reinforce the accepted and allowed participation within my mind, such as the accepted and allowed participation within friction as spite/blame as the energetic origins of my expression, instead of stopping such expression of myself as they are games of the mind I no longer want to engage in for it is not what is best for all as what is best for all is best for me, One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that who I am is not a being of energy, which is contrary to what I started believing in when I first discovered spirituality 12 years ago, but that who I am is the being as the physical as life, Equal and One with all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more confident within myself whenever I express myself through the flux and flow of “high energy”, because of the learned behaviour/belief that I only have a short amount of time to express myself whenever I am within the flux and flow of a conversation with another being, wherein I would force myself to express as much as I could within a “short time span” – because of the belief/perception that others would only allow/grant me a “short amount of time for my self-expression within a given conversation”, where I would “cram” as much information as I could within the perceived “window of opportunity” as the “short time span” that I perceived I was allowed to express myself within a given conversation – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “talk as fast as I could” and thus to “expense as much energy as I could” whenever I had the opportunity to express myself within the perceived “window of opportunity” that I believed others would grant me within a conversation, instead of realising that the act of me “talking as fast as I can” is the act of talking without awareness of who I am/was within the HERE moment, and thus, that I was dishonest within my expression – only expressing myself so that I could give out as much knowledge and information and energy as possible within a short time span, while remaining oblivious to the expression of myself within the HERE moment, which is/was a dishonest expression of who I really am HERE as the BREATH – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that knowledge and information without practical application is useless and thus, that my self-expression within and as knowledge and information only is useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk as fast as I can when I have an opportunity to talk within the span of a conversation with another being, because of the perception that I only have a short amount of time to express myself when within a conversation with another being, because of the imprinted programming that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself as that of not being considered by others when within a conversation – unless my expression is swift/fast enough so that I could/can take the “window of opportunity” within a given conversation, so as to make my expression heard by others – instead of realising that who I am as an honest expression of myself, is not an expression of “swiftness” but is an expression of stability as calmness as who I am HERE within and as the BREATH within and as every moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately manipulate my expression when I am with the company of another, so that I would be perceived as having a lot of energy, because of the belief/perception/illusion that others only like/appreciate/love me when and if I express myself through the filters of “high energy” or happiness – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that whenever I allow myself to be manipulated by energy through the desire to have others like/appreciate/love me, that I accept and allow myself to participate within the polarities of the mind and the games of winners and losers wherein I would project myself as being a “winner” through the association/relationship/belief that only “winners” have “high energy” as “positivity” and that only “losers” have “low energy” as “negativity” – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that in order for me to express myself as a winner as “having high energy”, that I have to simultaneously suppress myself as a loser as “having low energy”, wherein that suppression as the “loser” as “having low energy” as myself will always return to my consciousness within another moment, thus making me manipulated by my emotions because of through me accepting and allowing myself to be the “winner as having high energy”, I also simultaneously accept and allow myself to be the “loser as having low energy”, wherein the “loser” will ultimately end up expressing itself as myself within another moment, as soon as I allow myself to express the “winner” as myself – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that through me expressing myself as the “winner” as the one “having high energy”, that I will automatically express myself as being the “loser” as the one “having low energy” within another moment as myself, instead of stopping such participation within the polarities of the mind through me returning to myself HERE within and as the BREATH, as the self-honest expression of who I am within any given moment.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-honesty, write daily in my blog so as to become a living example to others as what it is to be a responsible human being which acts for the interest of what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for everyone, Equal and One with all living beings.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “desire of making others happy” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage in for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of desire as the thought of “I need to make others feel happy about themselves so that I could feel happy about myself”, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the desire arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the desire game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in desire as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about desiring to make others feel happy about themselves through the use of thoughts and emotions, learned ideas and beliefs about the human condition, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and breathing – to stop the desires and stop judgments within and as me and so allow me to express myself unconditionally for the first time.

See these blogs:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life blogs

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

And check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need medication in order for me to function properly within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel drained when I take the medication that was prescribed to me by my psychiatrist in order to treat the perceive “disease” that is the bipolar disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need medication in order to fix the problem that has been diagnosed within my mind through the perspective of a psychiatrist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a situation where I became a target for psychiatrist to drop their assessment upon me according to a limited perspective of how the brain functions and through this, having allowed myself to believe what was being told to me by the psychiatrist, which is/was that I have the bipolar disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the medication that I am “forced” to take by the law and the medical system – within which I react to the medication that I intake through feelings of slumber and fogginess within and throughout my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the feelings of slumber and fogginess is created by me as a reaction to the medication that I have to take by law, so that I may abdicate my self-responsibility further into an outside source, such as the medication represents, instead of taking self-responsibility for and as myself for what I have created as myself within and as my outside world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that my outside world is a reflection of my inside world within which I only reflect that which I have created as my mind consciousness system – within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my mind consciousness system through the statement that I make when I feel “sleepy” and “foggy” through the intake of the medication that is prescribed to me, rather than remaining here stable within and as myself without any reactions as effects of the medication within and upon me whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am responsible for whatever is happening in my outside world, which includes the intake of the medication and the relationship with the psychiatrist, to which I fight against and thus perpetuate this inner fight outward within the outside physical reality because of not having realised that my outside world is a direct reflection of my inner world – within which I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that in order for me to change the outside world, I must first change my inside world through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I may become a living, breathing example for all living beings so that each one may eventually become free as all as one as equal as life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am supporting the Abuse towards life when I take medication because of it having first been tested on animals against their will and frequently causing irreparable harm to the animals, within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become “bipolar” within my nature so as to continue on blindly supporting such abuse as in the medication industry rather than stop the abuse through me stopping taking on the medication (to which I want to but can’t for the moment because of the court order) and stopping my participation within the system of abuse so as to birth myself as life as the physical, all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “want to kill myself” because of being “forced” to take the medication against my will and thereby having thought, for a moment, of killing myself as the only solution to the problem that arose from taking the medication within which I felt abused through the modification that the medication generated in my body/behaviour, frequently leaving me depressed because of the changes that the medication generated within my communication and motor skills.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the “blame towards another” pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of blame of “she/he is not listening to me”, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the blame arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the blame and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in shame as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “blaming another for something that I am responsible of” and from blaming myself and others as “being more or less than me”, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.

 

See these blogs:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life blogs

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

And check the e-bookstore as well as FREE downloads at Eqafe.com